I know what it feels like to want to quit Christianity.
I also know you’re thinking “you?” “aren’t you the girl who just traveled the world on a mission trip?” “haven’t you always done the church thing?” Yes. Yes. And yes.
This past year of my life I had my highest spiritual highs, and my lowest spiritual lows. But that didn’t seem to be enough. Honestly, I am just like the Israelites. We are always like c’mon God took you out of slavery and parted the sea for you and you still don’t get it. Well that’s me! I spent the whole year breaking chains, hearing his voice, and seeing him move, but I came home and I didn’t get it. Or forgot. Or something.
I got home and things were hard. I allowed myself to get alone and a voice told me that was ok. It said I was tired, I was spiritually healthy enough for a break, I am going through a lot, I’m transitioning, and processing is hard. Haha let’s be real I, Makenzie, in my flesh did not want to process. I let myself sit in that for about a week until my 3 year old in the car (thank you Sam and for clarification personalityhacker.com) decided I needed to go somewhere. I needed different. Get me out of here. So I went and spent two days at my family camp (no not like youth camp, and no tents). But I was able to get away, and God spoke to me. He showed me Hebrews 10-12, the promises he made to people in the Bible, and he reminded me to persevere. So I went back…..
But..it only got harder. The enemies voice got louder! Mentors and people who truly care about me began to sound like they were against me. I felt like I wasn’t trusted so why trust God. Did I hear from God? Do I even know God? Is there a God? Everything I knew felt like it was spiraling out of control. So I went for a driver. Running away from my problems in the realist way.
On this drive I talked through all of these questions with God, funny how that works, and I decided I was going to quit Christianity. It was a lot easier to deal with problems. You don’t have to listen for someone else’s voice and battle all the other voices. I wouldn’t need guidence for anything. I don’t have to process things, just live life. Man, this was really starting to sound good. So I stopped talking and just sat in my decision. Then all this Christian music was still playing in the back ground so I was like well gotta change that. Typical Christian I “use” to be, all my buttons were programmed to this crap. So I started searching for something else, and stopped when I heard an Adelle song I recognized.
But, if you don’t know this about me, God speaks to me through music secular or Christian. This song said “If you’re gonna let me down, let me down gently. Don’t pretend that you don’t want me. Our love ain’t water under the bridge. Say that our love ain’t water under the bridge” I just began to weep and say as best as I could our love ain’t water under the bridge. He loves me so much that he wasn’t forceful. He was giving me a choice. He then said to me “pick me, choose me, love me.” I began to cry even harder. Because he was there the last three weeks when I watched 9 season of Greys Anatomy. He knows and he still wanted me to chose him.
i did. I chose him. I chose in.
I also came to Project Search Light where I found out I am not alone. Other racers have struggled too, and the staff here has had some great things to speak into these struggles. People have been here and want to walk with you through what you are going through. Let them. You won’t regret it.
