I’ve been home for over 3 months.
In ways it feels like I never actually left.
Man, time really has been flying by.
In a couple of weeks I’ll be 25.
That has scared me a little. I get that I’m still young, I’m not saying I’m not. But looking back at 16 year old me feels like it wasn’t that long ago. I mean wow, its like 9 years have disappeared somewhere.
When I was 16, someone asked me where I would be by the time I was 25.
Growing up I was always a hard worker and always pushed myself so I had no doubts about the answers I gave. I knew what my life would look like minus what career path I would eventually pick. I was only 16 though, I had time to figure that out.
I said married, working a career that I loved, starting a family, and making a home.
Well if you know me then you know that I have none of the above and I have had multiple people seek help from me because “my life feels like a big question mark and well, when I was thinking about people who I could talk to… someone that would understand, I immediately thought of you!”
I’m not really sure what my response should be to that but they aren’t wrong. So I say, “heck yeah, you got the right person!.”
Honestly, the older I get the less I feel like I actually have things figured out. I have so many things I love to do and pretty bad anxiety trying to think of ways to make a career out of any of them.
I used to feel really stuck. Like I was on this marathon and I was doing great, keeping a steady pace in first place and then somewhere I tripped up and lost direction. Panic set in because I was now far behind and had no idea how to get back to the place I was going. Sometimes I still feel that way.
It’s true that I don’t have any solid long term plans. It’s true that deep down my dream ‘job’ would be to travel and pick up random jobs like guiding tours swimming with manatees or even being a mermaid in an aquarium (although if I’m being honest I can’t hold my breath for very long.) One day I want to be a writer, the next a volcanologist, and the next I want to own a coffee shop and make jewelry.
In a world that tells us we have to have it all figured out I’m pretty clueless.
But in all of this chaos I have started to find peace.
You see, my plans before didn’t include Jesus. I mean yeah, He was kinda fit in there a little. I would still go to church and occasionally read the Bible on my own. Heck, I might even help with VBS sometimes. But my plans were made by me and for me and as driven as I was I had never felt more lost.
2 years ago today I had very little knowledge of the race and mostly dreamt of doing something like that. Maybe if I was where I needed to be then I could but It didn’t really make sense for me to go. I was behind as it was and had to figure things out and that was a year long dedication that I just didn’t have time for.
But Jesus stepped in and had different plans for my life. The race was one of the hardest, most uncomfortable seasons of my life. I was vulnerable to a point where I thought I would literally break if I opened up anymore. My heart was in pieces and I was a mess… and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Because in all of the brokenness I felt, for the first time I started to really know what it meant to find healing. For the first time I was seeing myself for who I actually was. The masks I had worn my whole life had started to be removed and I began to see the good and the not so good parts of myself. In my heartbreak I started to learn what it really meant to depend on the Lord. I learned the value of authenticity, even if being authentic means being honest in not knowing who I am anymore. And in my failure, I began to understand the father’s love for me that had been there all along.
The race was not what I had planned for my life. But God who knows me better than I know myself knew that it’s exactly what I needed.
So for this season I have tried to keep my hands open, ready to receive whatever the Lord has for me next. Some days are easier than others. But I’m learning to trust Him, not only in the day to day but also in the long term. And I actually have felt really honored to be sought out as someone that can walk through things with others.
Before I thought I had to be ‘fixed’ or have everything figured out to help others but God is showing me that if I’m genuinely seeking Him, He can use me even in my seasons of waiting.
This time in my life has been a lot of maybes, “maybe I’ll go to school for construction! Maybe I’ll start a coffee shop! Maybe I’ll write! Maybe I’ll just travel and find work in sandwich shops.”
But I am very pleased to announce that I have officially been accepted into the CGA program and will be moving to Georgia in January!
I will admit that the idea of attending a discipleship program took some time to grow on me. The idea of fundraising again had me feeling a lot of shame. I had been feeling inadequate and unworthy to ask for support. It originally felt very selfish to ask people to support me on something that is created to deepen my personal intimacy with the Lord.
But those are lies.
The truth is God has been teaching me so much but I still have so much more to learn. Maybe I’ll work in a sandwich shop at some point, maybe I’ll go back to school, maybe I’ll become a long term missionary. I really don’t know yet. All I know is I told the Lord I would go where he called me and he’s given me an opportunity to go even deeper with Him and I’m taking that.
Sometimes the thoughts come that I’m dedicating even more time that I could be spending working towards a career, towards what the world says is sustainable. But then I remember the truth, that Jesus is the only thing that can truly give me life and I will continue to walk in faith where He calls me.
I want to take time to say thank you so much for all of the support that I received on the race. Whether it was prayers or financial it meant so much to me and I am forever grateful.
I would also like to ask you to prayerfully consider partnering with me on this new journey God is placing before me.
I understand not everyone is able to help financially and that is totally okay. If you are able and want to that’s great and really helpful but I also would love to have prayer partners.
Prayer partners not to just keep me in their prayers throughout this journey but also I want to be a person that people can come to with their prayer requests. Because honestly this thing isn’t about me.
I love you guys and I am so grateful for all the love you have shown me.
