For years I’d struggled with hearing Gods voice in my life and I struggled with my faith. I was constantly doubting my salvation and I was absolutely miserable. God has been speaking into my life lately, and no it isn’t something I hear. It’s not even something I necessarily feel. It’s something I know in my heart.
Let me tell you a little bit about my testimony to help you understand. I got saved when I was 13 years old. I was already very involved in my youth group and I was in church every time the doors were open. When I got saved there was a difference, yes, but there wasn’t a huge change in my daily routines. This made me question if I could be saved when my lifestyle hadn’t changed much.
A couple of years down the road I was still involved in church but I was never in my Bible otherwise. I met a boy at Vacation Bible School who I developed a crush on but he wasn’t a Christian. Not long after I started talking to this boy my youth group attended a conference and I remember it was like God was dealing with everyone… except me.
I remember feeling numb. I remember feeling like God had given up on me. I remember feeling like He didn’t want me. I remember for the first time praying, “If…”
I cried and prayed “If you show me you love me, if you become real to me tonight, I promise I won’t talk to this boy anymore.” I meant it. I knew that if God showed me He was there for me, I would give that boy up. The thing was, I already knew I shouldn’t be talking to this boy.
I felt nothing, except for the fear of not feeling. And then I made a choice. Instead of going on faith instead of feelings, I decided that if God didn’t love me what was the point of trying.
I officially started dating the very same guy I promised I would stop talking to (if…). After that decision it was like one problem after another. I was miserable, I was heartbroken, and for years I cried out in prayer IF. I hated myself, I hated who I had become, and I think I was a little bitter towards God for not saving me from myself. No matter how many times I cried if, I still felt like God was a million miles away. The more I struggled to free myself, the more stuck I would feel. My mind automatically goes to the sticky flytraps you see sometimes hanging. The more the fly struggles to get loose, the more it tears itself apart.
Romans 10:17- So then faith [cometh] by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
1 Peter 2:2- As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby.
I blamed God for not loving me. I blamed God for the mess that my life had become. Yes, I had been crying out to Him but I hadn’t reached out to Him. I wanted Him to make it all better and to make it all go away but I was starving myself spiritually. I wasn’t in the Word so my faith was so weak and I put that distance between me and God so I couldn’t feel Him.
I think that sometimes God lets us go through storms. God sees the big picture and we can’t, but Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Notice it doesn’t say all things are good. In storms, faith is necessary.
I also think that sometimes we cause storms in our life. I put myself through so much pain and heartache because I wanted to do it my way instead of having faith and giving it to God.
So instead of if, instead of putting conditions on my loyalty and faith, I’m saying even if.
I remember the first time I heard the song Even If by Mercy Me. I remember crying as I realized all the conditions I had been putting on having a relationship with God. If you haven’t heard the song, I highly recommend you look it up. It’s absolutely beautiful. I will however leave the lyrics to the chorus and bridge below.
I know you’re able and I know you can save through the fire with your mighty hand, but even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.
I know the sorrow and I know the hurt would all go away if you’d just say the word, but even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.
You’ve been faithful, you’ve been good all my days. Jesus I will cling to you come what may, cause I know you’re able. I know you can.
If you would like to partner with me as I step out of my comfort zone and in faith there are 3 ways you can!
1.Prayers! Having faith can be scary sometimes but if I’ve learned anything it’s that Gods ways are better than my own and He knows the plans he has for me. Jeremiah 29:11
Even though it is a little scary I am so excited to be giving it all to Jesus!
2.Follow me on my blog! I will be making updates while I’m on this journey to share what God is doing in my life and the lives of others around the world.
3. Financial. This is a big trip which means big costs. I have to raise around $18,000 to be able to go on the race which will cover all field expenses (travel, stay, food, insurance, etc.) If you would prayerfully consider partnering with me financially, anything helps!
