For months I’ve been preparing, watching video after video, reading blog after blog. It’s hard to believe that I’m now on the other side of training camp and despite all my research and the thought of having it all figured out I honestly can say I had no clue what I was getting myself into.
I’ve been trying to find the words and almost a week later I’m still processing everything that happened.
Training camp wrecked me.
Starting from day uno.
So I came to training camp a day early for a story tellers session. Several other people on my squad were also there and had gotten pretty close over skype. A few even had the opportunity to meet in person before camp, which is sooo cool.
The first few days it felt almost impossible to really be myself. Not because of how anyone was treating me, everyone was so cool and super nice. I almost felt like the new kid at school again. At first I thought it was because I didn’t really have a chance to build a foundation with many people on my squad prior to camp but what it really was is I was just so in my head about everything.
I’m not going to lie, that first night was pretty hard for me. I may or may have not cried in my tent and texted my boyfriend “What in the world have I gotten myself into?!” As I watched shadows of spiders creep on the other side of my thin wall.
I was partially freaking out because I felt pretty alone not knowing anyone and also because training camp is literally the longest I’ve ever been away from all my family and friends. Yes I’ve traveled, yes I’ve gone to camp, but almost always I had someone I knew with me. The longest I had been away from everything I’ve known is a weekend.
A couple of days went by and I adjusted.
I went into training camp with the idea of boot camp, and while there were definitely workouts that really pushed me, and there were all kinds of field scenarios such as having luggage “lost” at the airport and having to rely on other squad members (Shout out to Kayla for letting me sleep in your tent AND use your sleeping bag, on what I feel like was the only cold night. You’re the real MVP! Also I’m sorry you could only find one sock for warmth, legit feel pretty bad about that still.) and spending a night at the airport with speakers blasting information about flights, it was SO much more.
It was more than the porta potties, and the timed hike carrying 40 pounds on my back, and packing everything up on the daily just to set it all out again that night. It was more than the bucket showers and crickets for breakfast and giant spiders that I learned to (for the most part) fend off by myself. (There were a few goliaths that some of my squad mates were nice enough to go into battle for me.)
It was consistently being poured into and stretched and prayed over. It was uncomfortable and unpredictable and so so authentic.
And in this beautiful chaos God started dropping some truth bombs on me about myself that I was either in denial about or honestly had no idea existed.
The biggest being…
I’ve been a people pleaser. Like to the point where it’s totally unhealthy.
The crazy part?
I didn’t even know it.
Ok, so not entirely true. I knew after I had gotten out of a pretty unhealthy relationship in high school that I had shifted into this role of trying to always make everyone else happy, even if it meant I was miserable. I had people that were so incredibly inappropriate to me and I would try and make myself look worthless so they wouldn’t want me anymore and I wouldn’t have to hurt their feelings.
I’m talking about like over the line catcalling type stuff and I felt so guilty to say I wasn’t ok with it because I didn’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone. For years I spoke very negatively about myself so I wouldn’t have the chance to hurt anyone but I was doing so much more damage to not only others but to myself through that process.
I knew where I was and it wasn’t where I wanted to be. I hated the person I’d become and for years I felt so worthless that I believed God didn’t and couldn’t love me. I felt invisible.
I wanted to be the person I used to be when I was younger. I was confident. I had a lot of friends. I worked hard to be the best at everything.
It wasn’t until training camp that I realized I’ve always been a people pleaser. I didn’t realize it then because I was happy and if someone said something to me I didn’t like, I was ok to tell them it wasn’t ok. But the fact of the matter is I was putting my worth in my friendships and my accomplishments. It was all to easy for it all to be torn apart. I went through a period where I lost all of my friends and none of my accomplishments mattered anymore. My identity was completely lost.
I knew that God had called me to the race, it’s one of the few times I actually knew without a doubt. Nevertheless, as I set in worship one night I remember thinking, “ok God… You called me and I answered. I’m here because I want whatever you want for me… so where are you?”
Throughout the whole process of preparing for the race God has been showing me and teaching me so many things. Things were happening that could only be God but I still felt like He was so far away.
My emotions were so mixed because I saw God working in people’s lives, and it was beautiful. For sure one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I was also really discouraged because I still felt alone. I yearned for this personal relationship with God and I risked it all because I was tired of the tug of war. I was tired of saying I would give it all to God and then backing out. So there I was, totally vulnerable, just waiting for the Lord.
I had told a couple of people about how I had been feeling about God and throughout worship they came and prayed over me. It was so amazing and so sweet but I couldn’t help but think that it didn’t really change anything. They prayed for me because I told them these things and that’s what christians do.
And then the moment that kind of changed my life happened.
A girl looks at me, a girl that knows absolutely nothing about anything I’ve been feeling or the things I’ve gone through and she says, “I think I have something for you. I don’t know what this means, or if this is everything I’m supposed to say, but God wants me to tell you that… He sees you… He sees every part of you, even the parts you don’t even know exist yet. He sees the parts of you that you feel like you’ve lost…” and then she went into this beautiful and weirdly personal prayer that couldn’t be anything other than God. These chains that held me for so long were completely shattered after just the first sentence.
“He sees you…” and I literally broke. Everything about me that I tried to hold together for so long just crumbled.
I had been asking God to show me He loved me. But He knew what I needed to hear. He knew how invisible I’d felt for so long and He knew better than me what I needed. I needed to be seen. Just knowing that the God of Heaven sees me and knows me, better than I know myself gave me so much joy and peace. I really don’t have words to explain how much my life changed in those 5 seconds.
These past two weeks God has shown me so much about who I’ve been, who He is, and who He has called me to be. I’ve been walking in shame for so long, believing I was unforgivable and unlovable and He broke down every lie and told me I was enough. That He wanted me in my brokenness. I had so much shame that I thought God couldn’t even look at me in my sins. My shame was so heavy I couldn’t lift my head yet the whole time he was just asking for me to look at him.
A verse that one of my coaches gave me one evening really stuck with me.
“The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy; He will rest in His love, He will joy over thee with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17
That’s just one of the ways that training camp stretched me, grew me, wrecked me, and ruined me for the ordinary. I’ll never be the same.
Thanks to God, I don’t have to be.
