Does God exist?
Something that has been asked by so many people throughout history.
Something that I found myself asking this month.
How does this happen? How does someone who has wanted nothing more then to chase after Jesus with their whole heart come to a point of asking if He’s even real?
There’s a lot I could say about this month, a lot I could say about the race in general.
I’ve made decisions trying to follow God and wondering if what I was doing was actually right or not. It’s not what I wanted… to be totally honest my heart has been a total wreck because of it.
This month I started asking what all of this was even for. I was surrendering, I was giving God everything, and I was in a lot of pain. I still am.
So much so that I spent last night curled in the fetal position in the hostel kitchen balling my eyes out at 3:30 in the morning, waiting for a call from my coach who made time to speak to me in my mess.
I’ve had a lot of self loathing, questioning my worth and if God loves me enough to walk through this with me. If He cares enough about this thing in my life to work it out for the better. For a while I honestly felt like I was in it alone and God had just peaced out somewhere along the way.
And then I think, “what is this even for? Have I been growing at all if I’m questioning everything?”
Faith is a choice. I chose to believe in God but I didn’t have a great foundation so our relationship was super rocky. I believed I think for a ton of different reasons that were valid but not solid for me.
I believed because it’s what I grew up hearing, it was embedded in me and I knew the Bible. I knew the Bible lined up perfectly with history. I knew that it made the most sense. I believed because I’d seen God work in my life. I believed because I had felt God’s presence.
But that wasn’t good enough.
I felt like most of the things I pointed to and said “oh, this is why…” we’re all things, that for me, could be taken apart and argued against.
You have to have faith in whatever you believe, even if you say you believe in nothing. This is where I decided to put my faith.
I’d go through phases where I would have moments of doubt. “What if God working in my life is really just coincidences?” Or, “what if me feeling God is just feelings and nothing more?”
And I would immediately shove it out of my mind because the thoughts terrified me. What if God really didn’t exist?… Worse. What if He did and I convinced myself that He didn’t. I’m a Christian, I’ve decided to follow Jesus, it’s unthinkable to doubt…
it’s better to believe and it not be real then the opposite, right? Unless believing in God starts costing you things that you love.
I’m actually really grateful for coming to a breaking point. The shame that I felt was so real when I looked one of my teammates in the eyes and blurted, “I don’t know if I believe in God.”
There was a tiny sense of fear as I word vomited all over my amazing friend. I flinched as I waited for the gasp of horror, waiting to be told how wrong I was to question it and to take it back.
honestly I had gone through something with another person pretty similar and out of my fear I didn’t react in love and I pushed someone that I very much cared about away.
Instead of gasping, instead of saying how wrong it was for me to question things when I’ve come this far, she paused… she looked at me with love and said, “that’s ok.”
I stared in shock, wondering how someone who was so passionate about the Lord, someone that I was supposed to be working with in sharing His love, could remain so calm in what felt like me totally betraying Jesus.
She calmly explained to me why she believes and a peace washed over me.
The truth is I don’t believe because my parents want me to, I don’t believe because it’s just what I know, I don’t believe because the Bible lines up with history, and I don’t even believe because I’ve felt his presence.
For so long I had this massive void in my life. I battled a ton with depression, I battled with worth. I constantly felt like I fell short and wasn’t good enough. I tried to save myself. I tried to fill the void by setting goals and working super hard to make sure I reached them. I made good grades, I was the “good kid.” I worked a ton of jobs determined to figure out what life looks like and conquer it. After every accomplishment, after every trophy, the void was still there. I started to self harm because it was a distraction. I was tired of being the “good kid” I was tired of feeling unloved, so I turned to guys to make me happy. One guy that is actually a pretty incredible human being that loved me super well, but the void was still there. As amazing as he is he couldn’t even save me.
I believe in God because I tried to save myself for years. I tried to fill that void with everything in my power and I couldn’t. I could not do it on my own, and no one else could either. The only thing that changed that void, that changed my life, and who I am is Jesus.
Jesus who loves me in my brokenness and my messiness. Jesus who knows every dirty and disgusting thing about me and loves me anyways. Jesus who sees beauty and calls me His child, when all I see is damaged goods. Jesus who is faithful when my faith starts to falter.
I don’t have it figured out. I honestly don’t know right from wrong a lot of times. God loves me so much despite that and gives me so much grace when I don’t understand and I mess up.
Even though this has been one of the toughest seasons of my life, and even though at times I feel alone, I know I’m not.
Even though I’m confronting a ton of questions and almost feel like I don’t know myself at all, I’m learning a new me that didn’t exist before.
I’m learning patience, I’m learning to speak truth in love, I’m learning to seek understanding instead of being understood, I’m learning to enjoy the little things, I’ve even laughed through a few storms (literal) and thanked God for them.
I’m not a pro at any of it but it’s so cool because I know that it’s not me. I know that it couldn’t be me, because I’ve tried and failed. I’m actually thankful for the times I’ve failed because I know without a shadow of a doubt that only Jesus could save me from myself. Now I know why I believe, and that’s more than good enough.
