ok, I realize that I’m in Bolivia posting about something that happened 3 months/3 countries ago. So first I’d like to say thanks for extending grace. Its been a lot harder to keep this blog going then I thought it would be. Life’s been crazy and God’s been good. Also so stoked to catch up with everyone soon!
so I was gonna kick this thing off with a quote about comparison how its the thief of joy, you cant compare insides to outsides, yada yada yada, etc. etc. etc.
I decided to let you fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind for you because we all have heard so many versions of this same lesson over and over again. BUT let me tell you a little story of how this all finally clicked for me.
I don’t think I ever realized just how much I let comparison steal my joy. The truth is I’ve spent close to half of my life comparing myself to others. Feeling like I should have things figured out by now or have an idea of what the next step will look like. On the race a big thing has been comparing myself to my squad mates. My team is made up of a nurse, a teacher, a construction worker and a behavioral analyst. (and now a Spanish speaker, a person fluent in sign language and a physical therapist.) When introducing ourselves and our skills to new hosts they hear all these amazing things and get to me and ask the question, “what do you do?” And I usually reply with, “um.. I can play a few chords on a guitar..”
I knew comparison was something I had a hard time with but I didn’t realize how present it was in my life until our adventure day in Colombia.
So If you know me you know I love being out in nature, I love sunny weather, and I love being next to or on the water. So when we were staying at a hostel for a couple of days next to a huge, beautiful lake it was like a dream come true.
I woke to the birds singing, the sun shining through our window pane and the lake calling my name. A few of us walked down to the front desk to ask about how much it would be to rent the two paddle boards we saw laying in the yard for an hour or so. We were completely extatic when they informed us that it was totally free for however long we wanted, there was only one condition. “You have to carry them down the twisting path to the lake and back up BY YOURSELVES.” We’re all giving highfives and doing some excited air pumps and don’t take the time to think about why this rule is so emphasized.
We prance over to our great deals in the grass and can’t wait to get going. Summer grabs the first board by herself and starts the trek, Kayla follows behind with our drinks and the paddles, I start to grab the last board and very quickly realize why they emphasized that we had to bring them up ourselves. I could barely get it off the ground and I could only waddle a few steps before needing to take a break. It was significantly heavier than I expected. I kinda laughed at first in unbelief and yelled to summer and asked how in the world she’s moving so easily and so quickly. They promise when they reach the bottom to come back up and help me.
I couldn’t hide the fact that I was very much struggling and in my mind I immediately started beating myself up. “Why is this so much harder for me? I really have to start working out… this is embarrassing.. I am so weak. I can’t carry my own weight, they’re going to get tired of having to carry their stuff and then having to help me with mine too. They’re probably tired of being on a team with such a weenie.”
About 3 minutes later I finally made it to the end of the driveway and to the path. The other girls are out of sight and I feel really discouraged and upset with myself. I would stop to rest for a solid minute and then would make myself take a few steps forward before having to stop again.
It was a lot of work and I will say I got pretty close to the bottom before help came. I was sweaty and tired and covered in mud but I was so close. Kayla helped me get it the rest of the way down.
It’s hard when you want everyone to know that you’re strong and independent when it’s really obvious how hard you’re trying and still struggling.
That not only describes me and my noodle arms in that moment, but honestly a lot about who I’ve been on the race as well.
You see, I buried a lot, A LOT, for years. And coming on the race was like me upchuking everything I fought to keep hidden and forgotten. I wanted to be strong but for literally the first half of the race I was basically always falling apart. The thing that really stunk was I felt totally out of control and like there was no way for me to pick up the pieces even though I wanted to so badly. I felt like an utter failure.
So let’s fast forward again to the lake.
We take a little break before getting in the water to chug some Gatorade and play with a pooch named taco.
Once my noodle arms were rested I decided it was time to make this happen. The board that summer had was the one I just so happened to sit beside so I figured I’d help her out.
So I run in place and sling my arms around, getting warmed up for what I know is going to be the death of what little muscles I had left. I rub my hands together and with everything I have in me I sling the board into the sky.
In less than a second I realized that even though our boards looked almost identical, her board was significantly lighter than mine had been.
I easily moved it into the water by myself and felt much better about the 20-30 minute struggle I had just experienced.
Let me reemphasize this. Our. Boards. Were. The. Same. Size. They looked the same. There was no way of me knowing that hers was so much lighter than mine and there was no way of her knowing just how heavy mine was until we switched places and walked the others path.
Summer could have easily gotten annoyed with me. She could have told me to stop being a baby. She could have told me it’s not that hard. But what we were going through wasn’t the same, even though from an outsiders view it might have looked like it.
Instead she showed me grace. She told me she would not only carry hers but that her and Kayla would come back and help me with mine too.
I could and did beat myself up because I was looking at how great summer was doing and physically couldn’t be where she was, no matter how badly I wanted to.
I’ve been shown so much grace on the race and people have shown me so much love and would walk through things with me. But there have been times when they couldn’t. But even in those times God was always beside me offering to take my load. A lot of times Ive been too stubborn to actually let Him take it. (That’s another lesson though)
I always hear things like, “you never know what someone’s going through unless you walk in their shoes.” And it’s like yeah ok, thanks for the fortune cookie, let’s move on. Then I’d go on my way, beating myself up and even occasionally wonder why others struggle so much.
It’s funny how sayings can mean so little until they are so real and applicable. I wonder sometimes if God rolls his eyes at me because he always has to give me super tangible real life things for me to understand the simple. It also makes me laugh about being compared to a sheep, probably like the dumbest animal on the planet. But of course I know God loves me and stuff I’m sure He laughs with me.
So to sift through that rambling. The point.
Stop comparing. Be kind always. Show grace. And stop beating your beautiful self up.
Your life is different then everyone else’s and timing is going to be different too, and that’s OK!
You’re life is beautifully and uniquely yours, so stop thinking it should look like everyone else’s and own it.
If you’re struggling, that’s ok.
If life is a cakewalk at the moment, that’s ok too.
We all go through phases and at some point you’ll go through both and both are ok.
Just remember to love yourself and others through the process, and it always helps when you have someone walking with you. (aka God)
