Sunday Night: Inner Monolog
Breath. Just breath. Your eyes are playing tricks on you it is not real.
Breath? Did you see the size of that thing? It could eat you!
Tuesday Morning: Journal Entry
The encouragement in today’s devotional is to talk to you, Jesus, like a friend. To fully trust. To offer no pretenses. No performance but to be purely me. Are you ready as I feel like I could give you an earful. Point of Concern Numero Uno: I am tired of being scared to sleep. For fear of spiders, scorpions and my own angst…
Wednesday Day Break: Inner Monolog
Finally! I thought you would never come. I missed you.
As I lay in wait for the sun to rise I took an inventory of every bed I have slept in on the Race. I cannot remember one that was so dark as my bed here in Nicaragua. I really cannot see my hand in front of my face once all the lights are turned off.
With ample time to think, because the sun insists daily on disappearing for twelve hours, and all my senses heightened while my eyes will not work, I am aware there are layers to my darkness.
The cursory layer is obvious. I lack a necessary affection for everything creepy and crawly and, for some reason, it is rattling me more this month than ever. I am a wimp and I can live with that reality.
Less obvious and far more complex is a reality I gather the Lord is trying to (wait for it) shine His light on.
"You are my lamp, Oh Lord, you turn my darkness into light" 2 Samuel 22:29.
My darkness is fear.
Remember when I asked you to pray that I would hear from the Lord this month, well, you can stop now. Because I did not factor in what He might say to me. I may be able to live with the reality that I am wimp but He is unwilling.
Beyond spiders and scorpions and God only know what other monster I concoct in my sleep deprived state of mind, I am afraid of not getting it right, of failure, and the completely outlandish chance that someone, anyone, may be on to the fact that I hypothetically am not in control at all times.
That is ugly. UGLY and I don’t like it.
Reflecting on this ugliness brought the brilliance of C.S. Lewis to mind. In the last book of the Chronicle of Narnia series the evil characters are Narnian dwarfs. I distinctly remember when I read, years ago, their account. Sitting in a nonexistent stable and behaving like ridiculous children; I judged them. Oh, how I judged them!
(You can read a summary of the situation here)
I do not like having to admit it but I think the story came to mind because I realize I am behaving like them. When I succumb to fear that manifests itself in busyness, self-deprecation, etc. I am also trading light, good provision and blessing for that which was never meant to hold and/or contain me.
Their prison is only in their minds and they are so afraid of being taken in that they cannot be taken out.
Darkness is only scary when I assign it power and fear only looms when I do not make it subject to Love.
They say that half the battle is identifying what you are battling against. I am learning that the Suitor of my Soul is asking me to bring to Him my new knowledge of a disease I did not want to own the I have. I mean how long to do you have to walk with the Lord to finally diagnose and master fear?
Apparently, a little while longer.
Jesus Calling
