I am a do(er)! I am constantly on the go, my schedule is always fuller then it should be, and when I am finished with a project, there is not much time to breath until I start the next one. I think I took that ” love compels an action” sermon to seriously. I have always been this way ever since I can remember. I was in every school activity since middle school, and I have been working two jobs since I was 14 years old. I love being busy, it meant more time being productive, and less time focusing on myself.
Not only am I a do(er), I also struggle with saying no. Usually those two things go hand in hand. I struggle with turning people, activities, and responsibility down. I have great time management, so i think to myself why not bring someone joy, or showcase my abilities by adding one more thing to the calendar. I often hang up the phone, after taking on another activity, and asking myself what is wrong with me. Do I hate sleep, or do I hate being still.
These past three weeks have been the most overwhelmed I have felt in a long time. It feels like there are a millions things that i am juggling, everything that can go wrong have been going wrong, and the people i trust to be present in my life are the most distant. I have intentionally spent long car rides between clients crying because that is the only appropriate action for my current state of being. When the car ride is over i wipe my eye and put on my smile and continue to fill every obligation I’ve taken upon myself.
After a long conversation with a friend i was left questioning why i do this to myself. I don’t have to say yes. I don’t have to attend the events. I don’t have to volunteer. On the weekends I don’t have to leave my house.
Then i started thinking and came to the realization that i don’t like sitting still. Stillness brings my life into perspective, it forces me to face me. That can be the scariest thing for anyone to do. when I am still, I have to be still with my emotions, my storms, and my own thoughts, I am alone with my self worth, and when I am still I have to be alone with the Lord. In His faithfulness He always shows up, but in my fear of disappointing Him i stay busy.
The best way i can describe this feeling is like being a women who has a bruised eye working in a dinner, so no one sees her bruised eye, she just keeps moving, wiping down every table, sweeping, and cleaning dishes. When a customer comes she keeps her head down and moves quickly avoiding prolonged conversation so no one sees her bruised eye.
Somewhere along the line I have let the enemy tell me that my bruises requires me to try harder, and work more, and do more. So I became a do(er).
That is a Lie, When Jesus was baptized before He did anything the Lord said ‘this is my Son in whom I am well pleased’.
Before Jesus did anything the Lord loved Him and was pleased with Him.
Before Maggie dose anything the Lord loves her and is pleased with her.
This is still something I am learning daily, to accept that Gods love for me has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Who God is and how much he already loved me before i was born.
This realization frees me to enjoy my time alone, and cultivating relationship with the pure intention of being connected and present. It frees me from stressing out over if i am doing enough to be noticed, or am i valued enough.
Do(ing) is good, but being a do(er) can sometimes become the entirety of your life. It doesn’t leave much room for God, people, and places to pour into you, which is important in this roller-coaster of a life. something that has helped me, is filtering everything through two questions. Dose it bring me closer to God, and does it make me happy. obviously there are outliers that don’t sift neatly, but if is stresses you out, and take up unnecessary time, chances are its not for you.
I have come to a place of being overwhelmed often. so i have to constantly remind myself of this filter. If i don’t, like these three weeks have shown me, i can easily fall back into my familiar patterns of doing too much. Its not easy but for your spiritual, mental, and physical health its important to (do), but it is equally important to make time to just (be).
