This past Friday my team and 461 (the other team we served on the farm with) packed up our things and got on a public bus to Tirana, Albania. We met up with our squad at a quaint hostel and spent the weekend sharing stories, laughing, crying, and growing closer to the Lord as one body.
This weekend was restorative for my team. It was needed, as the farm was a tough four weeks. I spoke with my parents a few times, sharing with them about the feeling of wanting to go home. I don’t want you to be deceived, the Race is not all hype all of time, it isn’t the best day every day. It is full of trials. A lesson I have learned from this incredible experience is that a person can never run away, drink away, or wish away their struggles and trials by reaching for this world as a comfort. Wherever you run to you will still face yourself, over-drinking the pain will only bring more complications, if you keep wishing away your life and what you’ve been given your heart will never be able to appreciate what you have and then you will not be ready to be given more. You must love what you have right now, appreciate what you have and where you are.
There is a saying my mom used to have on a painted picture – bloom where you’re planted.
In my devotional, SOLO by Eugene Peterson, I learned about FROG- Fully Rely on God.
2 Chronicles 16:7-9 (The Message)
“Just after that, Hanani the seer came to Asa King of Judah and said, “Because you went for help to the King of Aram and didn’t ask God for help, you’ve lost a victory over the army of the King of Aram. Didn’t the Ethiopian and Libyans come against you with superior forces, completely outclassing you with their chariots and cavalry? But you asked God for help and he gave you the victory. God is always on the alert, constantly on the lookout to people who are totally committed to him. You were foolish to go for human help when you could have had God’s help. Now you’re in trouble- one round of war after another.”
Previously Asa had been a good king. After hearing a convicting prophecy, he “took a deep breath, then rolled up his sleeves, and went to work” cleaning out the temples (Chronicles 15:8)
I have put this part of my devotional here to now explain my thoughts. I think in my situation, I didn’t rely on the help of the Lord, I didn’t seek the deeper meaning, and I allowed myself to struggle. Sometimes I forget the power of the Lord, and that He uses that power to care for me.
More specifically, on the farm, I internally broke myself down. I mentally went to a place where I revisited my past and lived there for a while. I felt the gentle guidance of the Lord bring me out of this place as time went on. But through this process I revisited the feelings I used to have in my past life, conviction, guilt, and shame. As you have all been following and joining me on this journey I want to be honest with you.
Over the past two years I have grown in my walk with the Lord and I have instilled personal values within my life. One of those is integrity. When I was younger I had this when I was in social situations or in a place of leadership, but not my personal life. What I am saying is I have come a long way in trusting the Lord to lead me as I do my best to really follow Him. After being on the farm I felt dirty. Not because of the pig poop or all the different smells. I felt internally dirty.
As I relived the shame, guilt, and conviction I used to feel in my past, I faced myself. I faced feelings of worthlessness and mediocrity. If I am honest, I felt like a monster thinking back to my life in high school, choices I made and how I valued people, how I valued my family and how little I feel I did for them. I came to the end of myself eventually. I couldn’t wait to leave the farm. I wanted to run far away and never return.
I had to make a choice- to take my life and what it is right now for what it is and be satisfied for living for myself; or to get outside of myself and remember what really matters. In Ecuador, the Lord spoke to me, telling me my life is good right now. I make decent choices, I live a pretty satisfying life to the human eye. But, He has guided me in my time with him- this life can be so much more. What do I want my life to reflect? I had to make some tough choices, I had to say good-bye to some things in my life, which felt like cutting off a piece of my heart. I again will share with you, I don’t want my life to be measured by the things I hold onto, rather I want it to be measured by the way I love people. Sometimes the things we hold onto tightly cause the pain and are not good for us. Sometimes, the things we think that make up our entire life are just a facade hiding what could be there, what the Lord has had waiting the whole time.
We must take a leap of faith and let go of what we brought in to create our life.
One of my favorite singers/composers, Sleeping at Last, has a series of songs called Atlas, right now there are three parts. In Atlas: One- it says
“I’ll hold it all more loosely
And yet somehow much more dearly
‘Cause I’ve spent my whole life searching desperately
To find out that grace requires nothing
Grace requires nothing of me”
I think that is one of the most marvelous mysteries, grace requires nothing of us. No matter how undeserving I deem myself, the Lord says I am priceless. My life to him is a gem He uniquely created that is meant to be loved and bring light to others. Your life is made in the same fashion.
Even though I spent a month feeling burdened by the wrong things I have done in my life and the things that keep my away from the Lord I can still walk out of that and say I saw the Lord there. He never left me. He has never forgotten me. I placed my value in earthly measure and I didn’t fully rely on the Lord.
I am so thankful for the people the Lord has given me. He has blessed me with an incredible community on the Race. From laughing in hostel bathrooms with toothpaste everywhere to the fun adventure days, to the moments of accountability and clarity. I have girls I can laugh with in the moments of overwhelming joy, those I can be honest with about where I am at and can trust them to keep private my most sacred desires and dreams for life, I am so blessed.
I don’t want to lose anymore victories. I don’t want to make choices without the Lord. I don’t want to step into the future thinking it is all up to me- I confidently can say I will go wherever He calls, be whoever He called me to be, and to love whoever He places in my life. People are so precious, and I hold them so closely to me. But just like in the lyrics by Sleeping at Last, I try to hold things loosely- by that I mean I trust in God. I trust who He brings into my life and who He takes out of it. He knows me best and knows what is best for other people. I am only human, I can’t satisfy a role in everyone’s life, and sometimes the people I cherish for seasons are only there for a season. I say that with a soft heart, because trusting God doesn’t always feel easy, but like I said, He knows, and I do not. If I trust God and hold people loosely, I can appreciate them for exactly who they are. People were made for loving, not for using. With this I can love whoever comes to me whole heartedly.
A month on the farm brought challenges, ones that I deem as defining moments in my life. I am thankful for the time spent there. What can I do now? – “Previously Asa had been a good king. After hearing a convicting prophecy, he “took a deep breath, then rolled up his sleeves, and went to work” cleaning out the temple (Chronicles 15:8)”
I can clean out the temple, I can praise and wait for the Lord. I can serve. I can put in the hard work and trust the Lord is there every day, walking with me and providing everything needed in my life at the right times.
