In 26 days I will be home in North Carolina. In less than a month I get to hug my loved ones, cuddle my bunny Penelope, and be tackled by our dogs Charlie and Cloe. I can’t wait for these moments. At the same time, I am holding each moment left with everything I have. I am taking the days slow and appreciating my team and the ministry I am serving in. I want to savor these memories and not wish them way because home is right around the corner.
One thing I hoped to gain from the World Race was a plan for the coming years. I wanted to know exactly what the Lord had created me for, and I believed the Race would address this question. I know now this was a faltered thought of mine. You may wonder what I have learned over the entirety of the Race, and I cannot wait to have those conversations with you when I get home. But overall, I can say I know now no more about my future than I did the day I launched from America. This is not a bad thing, I am exactly where I am ‘supposed’ to be mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I can now see more refined passions in my life, and more of a drive to get there, but I still do not know my ultimate job on this earth. I think I have gained something with a greater weight than the keys to my future. I can now say I know what I value in life. I now know how I aspire to live. If there is one definite I can share with you about the introspective part of the Race and how I have grown is I am excited for the unknown to come. This is a big thing for me to say, because I plan every part of my life. Everything I do has a reason, and every thought has ten thoughts following as a mental attempt to never encounter a surprise.
Every day the Lord is molding and crafting me to look more like His heart and who He has created me to be. I have learned to be able to continue this journey of faith every day I must surrender. Before I can begin each day, I must surrender my heart to the Lord. Surrendering my heart to Him for me means living in humility and giving my whole heart in every moment. With every situation I find myself in, this looks like seeking to see from the other person’s perspective and adding value to their life.
My passions in life are centered around adding value to the lives of others. I don’t mean telling people what I think they should value, I mean I strive to add value to people’s lives by: listening to listen, not to speak. Choosing to connect with people over correcting. When asked, I would love to share what I think, but I think adding value to anyone I meet begins with being sensitive to their heart and mind, and not only my own.
A big motivation behind wanting to go on the Race for me is that one day when I pass away I want to look the Father in the eye and tell Him I tried, that I used my passions in life to give to His people. I want to mean it when I say I tried to live a life focused on those around me. I am not limiting this statement to the Christian community. While living here in Tirana I have many friends from various backgrounds. I look to love them and add value to their lives just as I do my brothers and sisters in the Christian community. This means sometimes I am uncomfortable, and in those moments, I know I am serving on a greater scale. I am searching to love hearts, not persuade minds.
I would be lying if I said I know exactly who I am. I do know as time continues I want to grow in wisdom from the Lord, I want to keep a soft heart, be tender towards people, gracious, carry a heart of a servant, and be loving. Over time I hope to take these wherever the Lord opens the door. I don’t know what is in store, and I don’t want to pretend to know. I can hold onto a truth, He has a plan for me. I don’t want my idea of a perfect life or the internal perfectionism I carry to dictate where I go and who I am. I have learned as a Christ follower I cannot hold onto any of my own ideas. I can take what I have and lay it all at the Father’s feet and ask Him to use what I can bring however He plans. This will always be hard for me to do, but something I fight daily. That is why I know I must begin each day with humility and dying to myself, to then be able to live a live completely open to His will. I whisper under my breath a countless number of times daily- Not my will but yours Father.
The Race did not give me any answers. Instead, my community has pushed me to seek the One who created this life that can be questioned. My list of questions for the unknown have not been answered. My questions linger, but with less urgency as I trust this journey of faith. I trust each part I struggle to understand is only there in the end to bring glory back to the Lord. I don’t need to let my worry or anxiety run my life by creating ten back up scenarios for every situation, rather I am certain I can walk with the One who gifted this life, and trust He knows the way.
