i’ve never experienced pain like i did this past month. and that’s only because i’ve never experienced love like i did this past month.
Rwanda was a place i had wanted to go to since i was a kid after learning about the genocide. it always intrigued me. i didn’t really think twice about the fact that it was on my route. i definitely should have though, because with God there are no coincidences.
the month prior, in Ethiopia, it was the first time i left a country with regret. regretting not pouring into the kids more. regretting not taking more opportunities to get to love on the house moms regardless of the language barrier. regret just not doing more. and regret sucks. it hurts. because you can’t undo it.
this month, i told myself, my team, and God that i would give everything to my ministry. i would love with every fiber in me until i couldn’t love any more. i would take all the opportunities possible to be with our host family, spend as little time as possible isolating myself, and just depend on the Lord to be able to pour out. and boy, did He provide.
i’m an introvert. i need my alone time. this month, the only alone time i got was when i was having quiet time with the Lord or sleeping… or in the long drop – if you know, you know. most months i NEEDED this time to be alone and get away to recharge and gather myself. this month i was given supernatural abilities to just keep going with the most joy and love i’ve ever felt.
i poured out.
i was poured into.
i laughed until my stomach cramped.
i cried so hard that my body was shaking.
i chose people.
i loved people.
i gave everything.
and it all hurt so badly when the month ended.
i built relationships with the family i was with – Christopher, Sandra, Sheila, Isaac, Phoebe, and their father Moses. they were my best friends. they went to ministry with us. they took us on adventures. we took them on adventures. we became a big family.
and this morning, i had to leave them. i have never felt pain leaving people before, not like this. i usually choke down goodbyes and tell myself i’ll see them again. i couldn’t stomach this goodbye.
at the beginning of this past week, i was walking with the family through town and i was just admiring them all. when we got home, i had to take a few minutes alone to just cry. i knew that leaving them was going to painful. i knew it would hurt more than i wanted it to. and at this point, i had 2 choices:
- to pull back. to quit loving so hard so that maybe it wouldn’t hurt quite so badly. to start letting go early and keeping my distance.
- or to buy in. to love with every last fiber of my being. to love these people because that’s what Jesus would do. and that’s what Jesus has called me to do.
both of these options would cause pain, but the first one would cause regret. i dealt with that bad boy last month and i wasn’t about to do it again.
so i chose to love. and i fell in love.
i fell in love with this family. i fell in love with the ministry. i fell in love with the community. and i fell more in love with my Heavenly Father.
Ndagukunda, Moses and family.
Ndagukunda, Christopher.
Ndagukunda, Kanombe.
Ndagukunda, Rwanda.
xx, margaret rose
