The Lord is calling me to step into vulnerability so here goes!!
For such a long time, I have been chasing the concept of a Father that is too far out of reach. I have been chasing the concept of wanting more of Him, but not knowing how to get it. I have been chasing the desire to surrender everything to my God but constantly picking those things back up from His feet because I didn’t know how to fully surrender them. It’s absolutely exhausting. It is so absolutely exhausting to continuously carry the burdens that my Jesus has already taken on for me and so much more exhausting to continuously pick them up and put them back on myself. I was chasing all of the wrong things but I didn’t realize that I was. Over the past month, Father slowly started to reveal small things to me. He revealed things to me about myself that I didn’t know, but He also revealed the frustration that has built up inside of me toward the chasing.
Right before coming to Thailand, we had a mini debrief for 3 days in Pretoria, South Africa. We were camping out on a small property. For the past 3 months, I was living with my team plus 2 other teams. But all of a sudden, we were all-squad again which can be pretty overwhelming if I’m being honest. My feelings of being overwhelmed brought my frustration to the surface and suddenly I was mad and lost and confused. I was suddenly extremely doubtful and feeling wrapped up in spirits of oppression and fear. It all hit me at once and I felt like I was losing my mind. I am an external processor, so I sat down with a squadmate who constantly speaks truth over me. As we were talking, she asked if I was willing to seek intentional advice from leadership. I’m going to be honest in saying that I do not like being really vulnerable with people, especially people that I am not very close with. So this idea actually really scared me! I had been avoiding it for long enough, though, so I decided to seek out a one on one with leadership. Jodi, my squad mentor, and I sat down the next day and I started to tell her all about my frustration.
I didn’t necessarily have the words to say, but I could feel the frustration and I knew it needed to get out of me. I knew that I needed to bring to light the things that were bottled up inside of me. I was struggling to surrender my control, my entitled mindset, my jealousy, my pride, my comparison. As I started to speak things out, Jodi asked me if I had ever taken time to sit before the Father and surrender everything that I am to Him. Immediately I wanted to respond by saying yes of course I’m on the World Race, a mission trip focused on Jesus of course I have surrendered my life to Him, but something stopped me. I knew deep down that I never had. I have said “Jesus I give you everything” but I had never actually meant it. I didn’t know how to mean it. I didn’t know how to give my Jesus everything.
Romans 10:9-10 says “because if you confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For one believes with the heart and so is justified, and one confesses with the mouth and so is saved.” Even as Jodi spoke this into me, I didn’t know how to receive it. I didn’t know how to believe with my heart. But that’s just it, my heart already believed it. I let myself stand in the way of myself, my own mind blocked me. My own mind convinced me that chasing was the only way to Jesus. That day I realized that Jesus was standing still, waiting for me to grab His hand. He wasn’t running away from me, expecting me to chase after Him, laughing at me because I wasn’t fast enough to get Him. No! That’s not who my God is! I put my life into my Father’s hands. Jodi and I sat on the grass under a broken swing set and I let my Father have everything. I didn’t get stuck on the “how” of it. I didn’t even doubt that my Father was right there, smiling so big at the step I made.
I’m learning how to take control of my thoughts, of my mind. The Father is showing me how absolutely important it is to not allow the devil to have a foothold in my life and my thoughts are the easiest way for him to sneak in. It’s important to bring to light the struggles inside of you because once they are in the light, the devil can’t have them anymore. I’m learning how to leave my control, entitlement, pride, jealousy, and comparison at my Father’s feet. It’s a daily decision. And my Father is so full of grace!!!!! I’m learning how to receive that grace. I’m learning how to receive the love song that the Father is singing over my heart. I’m done chasing. I am stepping into a season of pursuing His heart so fully. I am stepping into a season of forgiveness and grace. I am stepping into a season if constant surrender! I am stepping into a season of freedom!
As I begin to walk this, I would absolutely love an army of prayer warriors behind me! It is not going to be easy, but my God is my strength and his provision is more than my weakness!
I would love to hear testimonies of what the Father has been doing in your life recently! Comment them, email me, text me! Our God is so good and we should celebrate what He is doing!
