I was warned about the pain that would come from the cycle of investing and then uprooting on the Race, but I never imagined just how much it would hurt.
On Saturday we were told that we were leaving our ministry site a month early and going to a new one. And that we were going to be leaving the next day. It was the kind of news that made you feel physically sick.
We have been living at Abba House this last month, which is a home for children at risk of falling into the sex slavery in Thailand. They are either orphaned, children of working prostitutes, children of imprisoned parents, abandoned or unwanted. Many of them have been abused and have experienced deep pain. Abba House has taken them in and has given them a new hope. Their lives have been changed by the love, family, education, and Jesus Abba House brings to them.
It has been SO much fun to live with them all the last month. Everyday I would walk outside and be greeted with so much energy and love from the kids. My teammate, Jake, and I taught English to seven of the girls in the evenings. They were a group of spunky, crazy, hilarious, and sweet as heck 13 year olds, and there’s no way to describe how much I love them. At the beginning of the month, they were my students, but now they are like little sisters to me.
Hearing that we were going to be leaving everyone so abruptly devastated me. I had so many questions and felt shocked and confused. We had church at Abba House the next morning and then lunch with them afterwards. My eyes were burning the whole time, and my head spinning, wondering why this was happening this way. During lunch we announced to everyone that we were going to be leaving in one hour. The tears and shocked faces around the room broke my heart even further. One of my girls stood up, walked over to me, and just started crying in my arms. She clung so tightly to me with no intention of letting go.
As I held her, I felt an anger rise up in me. I thought about how these girls have been abandoned by the people on earth that are supposed to love them most. Abandonment was probably their deepest pain. And now I was being forced to leave them too without any warning.
We all said our goodbyes with tears streaming down our faces. It hurt. It hurt holding them as they cried. It hurt looking into their faces one last time as we drove away. These girls became a part of my heart. And leaving them felt like the piece that they hold was being ripped out of my chest.
It was hard realizing all the plans and hopes for the next month at Abba House would be unfulfilled and that we were now faced with a future of uncertainty. We were taken to a house to spend a few days processing through our emotions, and were given the space we need to be able to transition well into our next ministry. I wrestled through my emotions and talked with God a lot. We had worship one night, and Jesus really let me feel His presence and His embrace during that.
He presented me with a choice. I could choose to trust Him, or I could choose not to. He reminded me that He knew all along that we were going to leave a month earlier than planned. This was no shock to Him as it was to me. He reminded me that He is holding and protecting those girls hearts. He loves them and knows what they need far more than I do.
So I chose to trust. I chose to trust that God had everything in His hands and that His will would prevail. I chose to trust that the decision made for us to leave were based off good reasons in the best interest for the hosts and those of us serving there. I chose to trust that He was holding the girls that I had to leave behind. I chose to let go of my anger and expectations, and embrace faith and enthusiasm for what’s ahead.
All this ushered in such a deep intimacy with the Father, and I experienced a renewed peace and freedom in His faithfulness. It brought my heart to a surrender to even more things than just what had to do with leaving Abba House.
The Lord is GOOD, and I’m so thankful He brought me to serve at Abba House, and to be more impacted by the people there than I ever expected.
I’ll never forget those girls smiling faces. The dance parties, the laughter, the hugs, the selfies, and the jokes. I won’t forget the way the younger girls would yell my name in their cute Thai accents with the biggest grins on their faces when they would see me. I won’t forget the time I was hiding under a tree crying, when one of the 12 year old girls saw me and came over to me. She hugged me as I was sitting in the dirt, telling me over and over– “Don’t be sad. It’s okay–I love you.” And it’ll be forever ingrained in my mind the way the girls worshiped God in Thai, sounding like angels. So much peace and joy exuded from them.
Thank you, Jesus, for letting me love those girls and for letting me be loved by them. And thank you for teaching me a deeper trust and dependence on You. You are faithful.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanading.”�
