My month in Colombia has been so sweet. I’ve seen people come to the Lord and gotten to pray over them. I’ve experienced chains broken within myself. I’ve sang and danced more than ever in my life. I’ve worshipped under the stars with my friends, been completely squished in metro rides, and sprinted through streets in downpours while trying to find coffee shops. I’ve had many conversations in broken Spanish, led the motions to children’s songs, and played with kids for hours. I’ve peeled tens upon hundreds of potatoes with my squad while sharing awkward dating stories and our deepest fears. I’ve seen the most breath-taking views, and floated through the clouds hanging from a parachute. I’ve worn flowers in my hair, finger painted with kids in the grass, and laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. I have truly been living a beautiful life here.
It’s definitely been a month of a lot of good days, but there’s also been plenty of trying days as well. I would like to share with you just a few of the lessons Jesus taught me this month!
One. Disconnection showing me the most important connection.
We had a phone/wifi fast for the first month, and that meant I had to live away from my family, friends and home for the first time, and not be able to talk to them about it or hear what was going on in their lives. But such sweet lessons and growth came through this disconnecting.
A very normal thing in my life was that when I would go through something hard, I would either bring it straight to people to get it off my chest or I would try to escape it though brainless activity like Netflix or scrolling through Instagram. I never realized how unhealthy these habits were for my walk with God until I was unable to do these things anymore.
I could no longer run to my mom or best friend when I was having a hard time with something. I couldn’t even send them a text. And I was stripped of all my normal mind numbing activity. So I was pretty much forced to sit in my discomfort or hurt or confusion or whatever I was experiencing, and just bring it to the Lord.
I have learned and experienced so much through this practice of bringing everything to God before trying to cope with it in other ways. I’ve found the place of deepest comfort and the source of greatest wisdom. God calls me friend and His desire is to help and hold me. I’ve missed out on so much of that in my life by simply not going to Him. By choosing to get through my day or go through hard things in my own strenth, or by simply ignoring them and never taking the time to process through the emotions I was feeling. It’s been a beautiful realization, and I hope to continue living this way despite the fact that I’m now reconnected to my life at home by having my phone back.
Two. Ask and you will receive.
For the first week or two, every morning I woke up I would immediately feel dread. I didn’t want to go through another day of ministry and spending myself. I didn’t want to live another day of being put in uncomfortable situations. I didn’t want to spend another day constantly surrounded by at least 40 people. That’s the mindset I was waking up in, and even though those feelings usually left as I got into my day, it was just starting out every day horribly. So one night I was like “Okay God, I don’t want this to be a part of my life anymore. Please let me wake up in the morning with joy and love in my heart, that it would overflow into my day.” I prayed about it for awhile then went to sleep.
You wouldn’t guess the state I woke up in the next morning.
I literally woke up brimming with joy. I got up a little earlier than normal and went outside, had a quiet time with the Lord, listened to my favorite music and my squad leader made me a flower crown that I wore the rest of the day. That set up my day so beautifully and I entered into it with a Kingdom perspective and expectant of what God could do in and through me that day.
I’ve been repeating that prayer before I sleep almost every night and I continue waking up with joy in my heart and ready for what God has in the new day. Mornings still aren’t exactly my favorite and that may never change, but God has given me a new perspective on them and they are so special now.
God’s also been telling me to ask for different things as well, such as a heart of worship and wisdom. And the more I ask for these things, the more I see myself growing in them. God wants us to ask Him for things. He wants us to have the desires of our hearts come to fruition as they line up with what He desires for us.
Three. He sees me.
Living and doing ministry with 40 other people can occasionally bring feelings of being a number, of being invisible, and feeling insecure or less-than. Feeling those things and choosing to sit in them, not bringing them to the Lord, kills my joy and takes away from so many opportunites the Lord has for me, yet I still do it sometimes. But God is with me in those moments even if I don’t realize it. He showed me this one day after a day in kids ministry where I felt like none of the kids wanted to be with me or liked me–pathetic thoughts, I know. But it was just kind of a dry day for me and I started comparing myself to some squad mates with all the love and attention they were getting from kids. As I was doing this, a kid I’ve never met came out of no where and gave me the tightest hug for a few seconds. He then let go, looked up into my eyes, and smiled the biggest smile at me. Then he ran out the gate of the compound to go home. You can imagine my heart exploded. God told me in that moment that he sees me. That kids still love me. That I have a purpose here. That I’m not a victim. Isn’t He so sweet?
Four. He care about the small things that are important to me.
The last few weeks I’ve lost some things that are so important to me like my Bible, a meaningful necklace and my notes from home. Things that caused me to eventually beg for God’s help in getting them back. Every one of them, while I was praying or soon after I was, they just magically appeared. I have a hard time believing that they were coincidences. I feel like God was just showing me that I can bring anything to Him and He’ll help me. That He cares about the small things in my life. That He knows what’s important to me. That He’s THERE—listening, providing, caring.
Five. He gives me opportunities to display love amidst hate.
Our last day in Manantiales, I played with a seven year old girl named Luisa for a long time. I was dancing with her in a gazebo when another girl, Melanie, came over to us and started sparaying a bag of yogurt all over us. The girls started yelling at eachother with so much hate in their eyes and with their fists balled up. I couldn’t really understand what they were yelling about because they were speaking so fast but I was picking up on words like “ugly” and “crazy” and “your mom.” I unsccussessfully tried to break it up. I was so scared of what was happening before my eyes. Melanie walked away from us and just sat down on the other side of the gazebo, but they continued talking to each other hatefully. During this, a young boy had showed up and was listening to them. He marched over to Luisa, who was sitting with me, and got up in her face and just started screaming at her. His fists were balled and wound up like he was about to hit her in the face, so I came in between them and he eventually left once he was through with whatever he had to say to her. I just sat with Luisa for a long time after the other two left and held her hand. I was in shock, heart broken at the violence and hate I just witnessed in these kids as young as seven. It wasn’t like any fight I’ve seen between kids back in the states. It was so much heavier. They have more than likely seen or experienced so much violence in their young lives, and it was obvious they were used to fighting by the way they were retaliating–they weren’t scared of each other.
I brought Luisa over to a chair and set her on my lap. I asked her if she was tired and she nodded her head, snuggled up to me and went to sleep. As she was sleeping, I quietly sang prayers over her. That Jesus would save her soul, and that she would grow up in kindness and grace. I’m thankful Jesus gave me that sweet time of being able to bring her before Him and she rested. It was just that–sweet.
Six. I have my own special relationship with Him.
Almost every mission trip, church camp, or church experience I’ve had in my life, my dad was always present being the spiritual since he’s my youth pastor. I’ve grown up under his wisdom and guidance all my life and haven’t had too many other people I would go to for spiritual things. He walks so closely with the Lord and always points me in the right direction. I am so thankful he’s had that role in my life and wouldn’t trade it for anything.
What I didn’t think about is how it would be for me to go to the mission field no longer having his constant guidance. It honestly really through me for a loop when I was all of a sudden under new spiritual leaders that had a different relationships with God than my dad—having had different experiences and therefore different perspectives. At the beginning of the month I was struggling a lot with feeling distant from God and feeling unsure of who He even was. Those aren’t fun things to feel when I’m living on another continent, having abandoned a lot in order to walk out this mission I believe He called me to. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling the way I was until one night I was praying about it, and the realization came to me that I have been relying on my dad’s faith for my own more than I ever realized. After that though, for a few days, God started bringing up memories from my life of how he’s been with me and working in my life. He reminded me of who He is to me and how He’s always been there–fighting for me, answering my prayers, and teaching me. I began to hold fast to what I KNEW about God. To what He’s shown me and what He says in His Word, and my struggles with the way I was feeling went away. So I learning how to make my faith my own as I’m experiencing all these new things worlds away from home, and it is SO GOOD. It’s so exciting to me to get to delve deeper into what my own special, personal relationship with God looks like.
“The great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not.” -C.S. Lewis
Seven. Spiritual Warfare is REAL
There’s no doubt that our squad has experienced a lot of spiritual attack this month. We are all blessed to have been called to the front lines in declaring the Lord’s Salvation to the lost and serving those in need, but at the front lines much spiritual warfare wages on. The enemy doesn’t want us here furthering God’s kingdom, so there’s no doubt that He retaliates.
Almost every day we’ve been in Colombia someone new has gotten sick, people have had struggles resurface that they thought were dealt with and in the past, many have endured lots of sleepless nights, so many times weather has put a kink in our plans, and there’s been a feeling of heaviness on a lot of us. Some of my squad has had to deal with looking evil right in the face, and experiencing that left some shaken to the core.
We recognize that many (if not all) of these things are from the enemy. But we’ve also gotten to experience how much more powerful God is. It’s been quite an experience, and I believe that it is so good to be able to be aware of the spiritual warfare going on around us, because it’s not flesh and blood we’re fighting against. That awareness brings a call to action against the enemy, and it’s so cool to know that he is already defeated. He stands no chance. We get to walk in victory and no spirit of fear has to reside within us!
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There’s of course been so much more to this month, and I just wish I could share everything. But I’m falling so in love with Jesus, and I am far beyond excited to see what the rest of my Race holds. I think that this first month really built a solid foundation for the rest of what’s to come.
I’ve spent the last week at debrief in a hostel to rest, recharge and bond with my squad. We’re leaving on a 30 hour bus ride for Quito, Ecuador tomorrow! I’m so ecstatic for what God is going to do this next month in our second country!
P.S. I still have over $2,000 I need to raise to be able to finish my Gap Year. If you are interested in contributing, please ask the Lord about it and you can find the donate button at the top right of this page! Thank you! 🙂
