This is not a blog to brag about myself, but rather to brag about the goodness of Jesus. I am a mess. I fail daily. I try to ignore His voice. I try to do things my own way, with my own weak strength. This is nothing that I did, but the story of how God never lets me “ignore” Him.
Month 3, Cartagena Colombia, I came to the end of myself. After months of trying to do things on my own, I felt like I had fallen apart. I felt like I had nothing left to give. I was gaining nothing. I tried to serve my teammates, but it was just empty service. I tried to love, but I don’t know if it ever came across clearly. I found myself weary, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, hangry, looking for praise from man and not from Him. Still God was so patient with me, daily whispering to me, “You are dearly loved.” And instead of giving myself to Him, I ignored Him. I tried to shoulder everything myself. And then a day came, where I just couldn’t ignore Him any longer. Easter Sunday, I sat by myself, cried and just said, “Lord I have come to the end of myself. Carry me.” It only took me that whole month to realize I had been ignorning Him and not giving Him my heavy load.
Fast forward to our last day in Cartagena. After attempting to pack, Lindsey, Mike and myself ventured into downtown Cartagena for our last coffee/WiFi time. We hopped out of the taxi and decided we desperately needed some sort of pastry from a little bakery! We purchased our bread, and walked out onto the street to head to the coffee shop. As we came out, we passed a man who was so filthy, no shoes and pants hanging past his bare backside. He was clearly homeless and not much older than myself. As I passed him, taking a massive bite from my cheese croissant, I felt the Lord say so clearly,
“Feed My lamb.”
I said, “What?! I literally just took a bite out of this bread. I can’t give him a half eaten croissant, Lord! That’s so awkward!”
The man disappeared for a minute while I walked on, guiltily eating the stupid bread. I saw him again, this time walking almost directly behind me and heard the Lord say it again, “Feed My lamb.” I ignored Him yet again.
We went to the coffee shop, drank much caffeine, and surfed the interweb for a couple hours. Then we started to get hungry for lunch. Lindsey decided to stay behind while Mike and I went looking for some authentic Colombian food. We passed by shops and street vendors, scouting out the best fried food that would hopefully not upset our bowels. As we were walking down a street, I passed the man again! As I walked by him, I could smell skin that hadn’t been bathed in weeks. I saw his dirty fingernails, and his bare feet.
And I heard, “Feed My lamb.”
I knew this was my chance. I coudn’t ignore Him any longer. I said, “Ok Lord. I see him now.”
We walked up to an arepa vendor, checking out our options, and Mike suggested moving on. By this point, I started to get the Holy Spirit shakes and knew what I had to do. I told Mike to wait just one second, as I ran back up the street to see if that man was still there and then ran back to the arepa stand. All the while Mike is chasing after me, more than likely thinking I am a loon, darting back and forth, running around in circles.
I buy the food for a measly 2,000 Pesos, and start back up the street towards the man, Mike still not sure what the heck I was doing. I see the man starting to leave his spot, and I start to frantically run to catch up to him. I walk up to him and can only mutter, “Senor, comida?”
We stood in the middle of the street, and as I handed the food to him, he looked me straight in the eyes.
He said nothing. Not one word.
But his eyes did.
They looked at me with such gratitude and love. His eyes screamed thankfulness and that finally, finally someone had noticed him. I lost all my words. I couldn’t speak. It felt like my heart had stopped beating. The exchange lasted mere seconds, but as he stared into my eyes, it felt like an eternity had passed. Mike (Thank God) said to him, “Dios te bendiga! (God bless you)”. And we walked away. We continued down the block, and just as we were almost out of eyesight, I turned around, and never caught a glimpse of that man again.
Do You Love Me?
15 After breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Master, you know I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 He then asked a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?”
“Yes, Master, you know I love you.”
Jesus said, “Shepherd my sheep.”
17-19 Then he said it a third time: “Simon, son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was upset that he asked for the third time, “Do you love me?” so he answered, “Master, you know everything there is to know. You’ve got to know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. I’m telling you the very truth now: When you were young you dressed yourself and went wherever you wished, but when you get old you’ll have to stretch out your hands while someone else dresses you and takes you where you don’t want to go.” He said this to hint at the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. And then he commanded, “Follow me.”
So you see, this is not a story to brag about us feeding the hungry. Because maybe I did nothing. Maybe he didn’t even like the arepa. Maybe he even threw it in the trash. I don’t know, and I never will know. But what I do know, is that our God loves us a whole lot, and He proves it daily. I tried to ignore Him and that hungry man, but I’m thankful He’s pretty persistent with me and gives me lots of try’s.
I had come to the end of myself in Colombia. I couldn’t ignore Him any longer. I’m thankful He is gracious and merciful, and gives us chance after chance to finally listen to Him. If you’re anything like me, my prayer for you, is that you no longer continue to ignore Him. Maybe it’s a tough decision you have to make. Maybe it’s dropping that heavy load you’ve been carrying for years. Maybe it’s just giving your heart to Him.
Give it all to Him. Give away those heavy loads and burdens you’ve been trying to carry all by yourself. He’s ready for it.
Xoxo
m.
