Counting the cost is hard. Counting the cost if you’re really going to do the Christian thing. Like being willing to actually give up yourself and follow him. You lose friends, you lose safety and comfort, you lose fun (as the definition of an average college kid goes), you lose the you as you know you. That’s a lot to give up. I guess I’m realizing that now that I’m leaving. Now that I’m sitting at home watching SVU and NCIS marathons while everyone’s life still goes on around me and without me. I gave up school, where all my friends are now, those friends which also double as my support system. And they are still having a great time. Not that I expected them to sit and be miserable the entire time, but I don’t know I guess it’s just weird ‘seeing’ and not ‘being’ if that makes since. Seeing them without me and me without them. Celebrating Connor’s birthday makes me realize how different he is going to be by the time I get back. He probably won’t even remember me. So much is going to change between now and then. Here and to me. It might be a completely different world! That’s scary.
The hardest part about being a Christian isn’t saying, “I’m a sinner but I love you and you love me and I want to follow you.” The hard part is actually saying yes to him and no to you, actually leaving friends and family and comfort and safety behind to follow him, actually walking like him in the good and the bad times depending on him to pick you up when you fall, and actually counting up the cost and deciding that he is worth it. So my prayer for the next week and six days is that I know he is worth the cost. Even if it kind of sucks for now.
Because real love is not afraid to bleed.
