I hate not knowing what’s next. And I hate not knowing if I’m right.
This makes life a little difficult.
For example, one of my dreams in life is to be an actress. Like big screen, red carpet, in movies actress. However one of the things I struggle with is whether or not this is the plan God has for me or if it’s just something that I want for my own personal reasons, whatever they may be. First off how cool would it be to be a Disney princess, or I mean I wouldn’t mind my job entailing making puppy eyes at Dylan O’Brien or Theo James…. that’d be pretty sweet and I wouldn’t have to act. I also think that would be a pretty stellar platform to make a difference with. Think about the promotion you could give to organizations, and the lives you could change with all of the resources you have at that level of success. However, that is a tough business to be a part of. There are a lot of mean people out there, also there are a lot of bad things that you can get caught up in, in that world. And I mean I guess there’s going to be two edges to every sword, but I want to make my time count. Ya know? I don’t want to chase a dream that isn’t going to happen and I don’t want to do something that isn’t a part of the plan.
Not my plan but God’s plan.
And that’s just one stupid example I have, this actually comes up a lot in my life. Just if what I am doing is the right choice for me, or if God want’s me to do this. Because soooooooo many times I find myself praying for guidance on something, and I hear a no you shouldn’t do that, or a yes you should do that…. but I do just the opposite. Because I’m stupid. It never works out, and I don’t know when I’m gonna catch on that I don’t know what’s good for me. But then sometimes, I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to do and I can’t tell what God wants me to do. And that just bugs the crap out of me. I suck at listening is basically what we are getting at here.
And all these things stress me out because I just want answers and I just want to know yes or no, wrong or right, black and white, no grey. But that’s just not what I get. It might help if I didn’t suck at listening, it might help if I was God’s right hand man and he let me in on all the secrets, it might help if I was psychic. But alas, I am none of those… So what is there to do?
Well, while in the midst of another talk with big man about wanting to be an actress just the other night, he managed to slap me in the face. Now before I explain this slap I want to divulge a little bit about myself. I don’t believe in coincidence. I think that coincidence, if real, would make life suck. I don’t want to think that me meeting my best friend, and me yelling my name at her on accident the first time we met, only happened because we coincidentally ended up in the same sorority, and we coincidentally sat next to each other at Greek orientation. I don’t want to think that I ended up with the coolest dad in the whole world because he coincidentally met my mom. I would hate it if I was getting to go on this trip just because someone looked at my application coincidentally decided I might be a nice fit.
The world loses all magic when life is a big coincidentally.
So anyways to connect that back to my slap in the face, some may say it is coincidence that I read this specific devotion and I shouldn’t believe God is communicating to me through a simple little 5 minute devotion. But guess what I’m a strong independent woman, much like Beyonce, so I believe that God was communicating to me through it. And you want to know what he said to me???
Stop trying and let me do the damn thing.
Those are the exact words that I felt God was telling me. Cuss word and all.
He is with you and for you; he’s always got your back. What else could you need? Why do I have to know if one day I will be an actress? Why do I have to figure out now if going back to school, when I get back from this trip, literally over a year from now, is the right thing to do? Why do I need to know if I will be a cute pregnant lady when the time comes? WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW ANY OF THIS?!?! He’s got a plan, and he knows what the hell he is doing! What in the world makes me think that anything I say is going to change the most magical, perfect, already set out plan that he has made for me? I don’t know. I just find myself really annoying. Like, he’s the Creator of the Universe and holds time in his hands, and here I am…. “Uh, hey big dog! So I was just thinking, I know you probs think you have this all figured out, but you know I was proof reading and thought this would probably be a better idea for my life. Let me know what ya think!” I sort of just want to punch myself. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t ask God for guidance. But what he say’s to to look towards me and that will be the direction you should go. Also that isn’t to say that he doesn’t listen to prayers and answer them. Because he does, and he gives us the deepest desires of our hearts. And we have every right to ask for things. He wants us to. But we shouldn’t just assume it is a good idea for us to get every thing that we ask for. That’s arrogant, and bratty.
So anyways this ramble of a blog is mostly to say, there is so much comfort in just trusting him. When you stop trying to control it and just sit back and enjoy the ride, things seem easier I guess. Because Big Poppa has your back, and he knows what the better idea is for you. We get on roller coasters and enjoy it and don’t try to control it, we just scream and laugh and ride. We trust a man made machine held together by nuts and bolts, to support us while we are upside down 500 ft. in the air, but we can’t trust that the Big Guy of all big guys can get us through life.
Though it’s hard like 68% of the time, I want to trust God is in it for the long haul, and he’s gonna make it all work out.
(Side note: This night I also discovered that Micah was a prophet. Just fun fact)
But me, I’m not giving up.
I’m sticking around to see what God will do.
I’m waiting for God to make things right.
I’m counting on God to listen to me.
Micah 7:7
