“The essence of perseverance is a continued journey toward God, an increasingly intimate relationship with God”
-Nancy Gurthie
Something I knew about God for as long as I’ve been a Christian is that he is great at everything he does. What I didn’t know quite so well before this trip was how great he was a pissing me off. When I prayed the prayer for him to grow me in this time, I should have known I was only going to be able to do that the hard way. I would have never imagined the frustration and heartbreak I would have to go through to grow.
A struggle here has been feeling like our efforts here are so futile. Everyday I am struck and convicted by the stories of the people that live around me. And almost everyday I am overwhelmed by the immensity of the poverty I am surrounded by.
My team has taken the ministry of working the nursery at the childrens home we stay at. The things some of these kids have already gone through in their short time blows me away. A family of four siblings were found by a social worker tied to a tree. A one year old, twin four year olds, and a six year old, left, tied to a tree. One shift I was sitting in a chair with a sweet little girl, bouncing her on my lap, with her musical laugh filling up every inch of my heart, and I just hugged her. I just held her and she snuggled her head down into my neck and out of no where I just said, “Someone is gonna love you so well one day, and you’re gonnna have a family that provides and cares for your every want.” She, not at all knowing what I just said or that I even said anything, hugged my neck and I just had to let our a couple tears. In the one year of her life she has yet to have that privilege. Of having someone provide specifically for her wants. This place gives her what she needs by a bear minimum and not because they don’t want to, but because there are 15 other nursery kids they have to provide needs for and money is short and there is a 15 to 2 ratio between the workers and the kids. My team mate Angela talking about it said it so well, “It pisses me off because I’m not what they need. What they need is a family.” And it is so so right. What exactly does us spending 4 hours with them do, on the span of their lifetime? Why would God put me in a place where my efforts are small and the outcome invisible?
Every once and a while we go on feeding around the local area. The first one I went to was a village called Tent City. When we drove in before we could stop the car, kids were running from every direction with every sort of container from medal bowls we use for dogs, to plastic bags we use for goodie bags. They crowded the back of the Revo shoving bowls, and mugs, and bags, and pitchers in my face. The food was going way faster than the crowd was disappearing. I prayed and prayed for God to multiply the food. Sure enough 20-25 kids were left in line and I had no food left. I had to tell the kids, “I’m sorry I don’t have anymore.” I took a step off to the side and just fell apart. I start balling. A sweet little girl named Anna came over and said, “Tita? Down!” I squat and she wiped my tears way and says, “It’s gonna be okay.” She then runs and gets me a flower. This then encourages all the kids to run and find flowers to give me. I provide them with nothing, and they provide me with what they don’t have. Why does God have people willing to give so much, have nothing to give?
Last week my squad is invited to visit an area called Tondo here in Manila. When we were there all I wanted to do was leave, because I felt physical pain from what I was looking at. Our squad went to a feeding in a village called “Happy Land”. This village is literally in a garbage dump. Like mounds of trash on the ground, black water squishing out with every step you take, a smell that makes you nauseous, dump. There are houses on stilts the size of my bathroom at home housing a family of 8. There are kids running up to you smiling and grabbing your hand wanting to play. A squad mate, Madison, told a story of getting some of the dirt on her leg and a girl running home for a bowl of water to wash her leg for her. There are kids standing in line all dirty and half of them naked waiting for food. The pastor then asks if someone would like to say something to them about the love of God. How the HELL am I supposed to tell these kids that there is a God who loves and cares for them and has a plan for them; while their living in trash dirty and naked?
In the time that I have been on this trip I’ve spent more time pissed at God and asking him what the hell he is doing I think than I have clearly seen and understood what he is doing. In a bible study a quote I wrote was:
“Our work is good, a gift from God. Routine is needed and helpful. But without strong faith in the work of Christ, we will never be able to truly enjoy the rest God has for us.”
How do I keep good faith when I am seeing all these people and children that God loves suffering? I felt like I was having crappy faith when I was so pissed off at the things I see and hear. But something that God has been affirming in me the past month is that these emotions are valid. I should be pissed and mad and frustrated. Jesus when on Earth felt all these things. There’s no feeling or emotion we can go through that Jesus hasn’t felt. The important thing is that through those he was still obedient. We still need to remain faithful and do what he asks of us even if we don’t see the good it will do.
Diana Stone of She Reads Truth wrote:
“Many have gone before us with nothing but the words from God to guide them along the paths that seemed impossible. They may have had their doubts, they all stumbled and continued to sin, but the distinguishing part of their lives was the clear sign of steadfast faith. It overwhelmed the doubts from themselves and others.”
I love this place and these people. No matter how much it hurts I want to give all I have because they gave my heart a reason to have faith that’s steadfast. A faith that overwhelms the doubts from myself.
