Dear Logan,
The year anniversary of your death is upon us. I remember walking into class January 21st last year, you not being there and thinking, “If he misses one more class his grade is going to drop a whole letter grade.” I remember walking to my car ready to send you a message saying you were a douche for getting me excited for an 8 a.m. and then never showing up. And then I remember Luke calling me to tell me. After that, I remember darkness.
I didn’t understand your actions or your thoughts. You were Logan freaking Brown. You were always happy to see me. You were always happy. I was the short-tempered sassy one that you would give one look and a day would be turned around. You were the Jewish man always telling me to convert so we could get married. The man with great hair and an even greater beard. You were the man who showed unbelievable strength when your brother was so close to death. You were the friend who would tell me all of your freaking conspiracy theories. You were the guy who somehow got me in the middle of a basketball court emceeing a pep rally in a football uniform with RB standing next to me in a cheerleading uniform. You were joy, Logan. Everything about you made your death made no sense to me.
At your service I just kept thinking you were going to walk out of one of those doors at any moment. You were going to have that big Logan smile where you tuck your chin down look at me weird and in the worst Asian accent say, “Herro, Maggie. I ruv you rong time.” Do one of those hugs where you picked me up and spun me around and cracked my back. But you didn’t. And there were tons of people there wondering what we could have done differently. Or how we could have helped. Wondering why we didn’t know and how we couldn’t have known.
As I am sure you are aware I was pissed at you. All of these people were here for you. All of these people were an option for you to talk to and would have tried to help take your pain away. To help you carry the burdens that were too much for you. But you didn’t give us that chance. And I was mad that you didn’t give me the chance. Or anyone for that matter. I was hurt.
I’ve come to realize that though you died, and though you are gone you still effect my life. You still change the way I live and the impact you have is something I wish I could hug you for. You see I have realized that though you are gone and though I lost a great friend, God redeemed it. I am on this trip now because you were the last snap I could take to the half-full life I was living. Because of you, Logan, I am traveling the world and loving the people that need it most. Losing you was actually rock bottom for me. It hit me hard and it hit me deep. But it pushed me out of conformity because I was tired of living a life going through the motions. You pushed me away from my life in Knoxville so that I could thrive. So that I would step out of my comfortable world of bad decisions and regret that was consuming me.
If I had a choice I would have preferred you do that here. Alive. With me. In English 102 Rhetoric of Horror. Last year. But since we are past that, thank you for making me realize I had more for my life planned. Thank you for allowing God to redeem my messed up freshman year of mistakes to a year of living. Thank you for allowing God to work through you to show me that even in the darkest of times he can use the ones we love to inspire, motivate, and drive us.
I hate that you are gone. I hate that you aren’t here to do Jewish puns to anymore. And I hate that all I have of you are memories. But thank you for pushing me further and for forcing me to see that I could be so much more. Thank you for being one of the best guys I knew for four years of my life. Thank you for showing me joy even if you did have darkness surrounding you. Thank you for the memories that I will hold forever. Thank you Logan, for pushing me further. Thank you for being you.
I love and I miss you so, so much more than you know.
I love Jew. See Jew soon.
`
Maggie
