I am on a sleeper bus. Half my team and I are a few hours into a 24-hour journey back to Ho Chi Minh where the rest of our team is. It’s the middle of the night and I am uncomfortably cramped in a seat at the front. Our driver is swinging around curves and launching over potholes with careless abandon. He is also lighting a cigarette around every 10 minutes.
I am nauseous from the rocking of the bus and the acrid smell of cigarette smoke. As I stare out the window and adjust my body to yet another uncomfortable position a feeling starts bubbling up inside me.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I have such a strong urge to pluck the cigarette from the driver’s mouth and shove it in his eye (the only thing stopping me at this point is the fact I am on the top bunk and climbing down is too big a chore on a ride this bumpy).
I can sit here and blame these feelings on lack of sleep (the more violent of my thoughts most likely stemming from the hopelessness of wanting to rest but being unable to) but I have seen a disturbing pattern in my thoughts these past couple of weeks that has nothing to do with sleep.
I find myself growing annoyed when people shove by me in the markets. I see people selling sunglasses on the street try to flag me down or feel a woman pull at my arm to get me to come into her shop and I internally roll my eyes and groan. I get frustrated when I can’t go anywhere by myself and constantly have to consider what the rest of my team wants.
And don’t even get me started on the honking of every motorbike, bus or taxi that drives past me.
When did I start thinking like such a jerk?
What most people don’t get from the Instagram posts and pictures on Facebook is that sometimes you are so over the World Race. Gone are the days where you are bright-eyed and excited to immerse yourself in a new culture and explore a new country. Your thoughts turn to how life is at home and your sentences more often than not start with “Remember in America…”
When did this yearlong journey God has me on become a chore instead of an adventure?
Honestly I don’t have some thought or observation to redeem these feelings that I have.
No nice little bow to tie up this blog.
Just praying that God will refresh me and help me see His people and this Race with new eyes and an open heart.
