Thats an exaggeration. I tend to exaggerate a lot.
I love Jesus. But our team got to meet someone this month in Cape Town who radiates with her love for Christ more than anyone I know.
We went to Fish Hoak one morning to meet a 93 year old missionary from the States who had been a missionary in Africa since the 1950s. I didn’t know what to expect but Virgina Ross had more pep in her step than I do.
She met her husband on the boat to Africa. She lived through the riots and turmoil when the African nations started to fight against colonization. She raised kids in huts. Virginia has lived a full and wonderful life.
As she was giving us advice she said “you will never make it as a missionary if you aren’t in love with Jesus. I would have quit a long time ago but He is my everything. When it gets hard He is the one I lean on and he is amazing and faithful and I love spending time with Him.”
The way she talked about Jesus was the way that most people would talk about a lover. Her eyes watered, her voice softened, and a small loving smile graced her face.
Virginia was completely and utterly IN LOVE with Jesus.
And as I sat there captivated by the light shining out of her eyes and the love and longing in her voice, I realized I am not in love with Him like that.
I don’t love Jesus with a love that makes me cry and long to spend time with Him. And its hard for me to imagine that I ever will.
If its one thing I have been struggling with this month its me being so desperate to be in love with Him in that way and struggling with the fact that I’m not. I have been so unsure of my faith and who my identity is in Christ. I have been ripped from everything I have found familiar and comfortable and been set in a place that believes in a completely different way with people who connect with the Lord in a completely different way.
I have always been one to compare myself to others, whether it is with clothes, being funny, or my faith. I struggle with knowing who I am in Christ. I doubt and question and cry out to Him that I don’t know anything anymore.
I am a mess and it sucks.
But I am willing to wait on his timing. I am willing to go through the chipping away of my heart. I have faith in the fact that His promises hold true.
I am willing to go through the pain for the result of peace, and confidence and joy in the Lord.
I want to love Him with a love that makes me cry. I want to be secure and confidant that I am a daughter of the Most High and He radiates with joy at my faith and love in Him.
I want to be 93 and be so in love with the Lord that everyone I come in contact with wants that same love.
