Its the last couples of weeks here in Malaysia but this blog is not to tell you how incredible our ministry is, or how awesome is my host and different contacts, and for sure it isn’t to tell you how bless I am with the friends God has giving me in this place not only from my squad but from people from Malaysia that I will call my friends forever and that I will love forever no matter how far I am.
This blog is to tell you what I had learn from myself as hard as it is, as painful as it is but also as beautiful (the beautiful part was hard to find).
I had always struggle with feeling accepted, feeling love, feeling that I belong; there are only a couple times that I can say that I have feel accepted, love and that I belong, theres only a couple of people that make me feel that way. I always knew what I wanted to do in life, I knew what God wanted me to do or what I thought He wanted me to do, but I never felt worthy enough, I hide many many secrets inside of me that I never let anyone see until the last couples of weeks.
I always went back and forward in my relationship with God, but when it comes to people I always would go ALL in and then hit a wall hurting my self and others around me; I thought that those kinds of relationships were in the past, that the scared Mafer was behind, the one that was afraid to be around so many people was in the past, but then I started this trip, this adventure and with time God started to reveal to me that I was still in pain, that I was still looking for acceptance and love in other people, in friendships, and thats why I couldn’t feel completely happy, or loved, or accepted. Right after my birthday the enemy started to put a lot of lies in my mind, lies that I knew were not true but I couldn’t stop believe them, in my mind they were truth, lies like: no one wants you in here, no one cares about your feelings, keep faking it, keep saying what they want to hear not what really is going on; but there was something else a truth that I didn’t wanted to see, a truth that I didn’t wanted to face, and this is it: In different moments of the past 2 years I had forgive different people that hurt me, BUT the only one that I haven’t been able to forgive is my self, and because I don’t love my self, I don’t trust my self, I have a low self esteem, in my mind it didn’t make sense how all these people around me love me. And I’m only talking about my squad and God, like i knew all these people loved me but I couldn’t receive that love because I wasn’t able to love myself or to see the love that God had for me. For me it has always been easier to love others than to love my self. By facing this truth I was able to see why my relationships with people never were like I expected them to be and as I was reading my bible study about women of the bible from the OT God revealed another truth about my way of loving. With some people I wasn’t loving in a healthy way and this is what was in my bible study: “In my best moments I confess my feelings to those I love, sacrifice on their behalf, or do anything to protected them. But in my worst moments (when I can’t see God), I control those I love demanding they be what I need; I make them my idols, expecting them to fill me up.”
I was hard to read, but as I was reading this I saw different friendships going through my brain and I was able to see that I was trying to put them in my place and in God’s place. It was easier even though that brought me many painful moments afterwards. As I go through this learning process about myself, God shows me His love through the story of different Women in the bible. But I couldn’t believe those truth in my life because I liked the place of victim that I was playing. I did this until one afternoon during debrief that God showed me where He was the first time that I felt rejected, I felt that no one wanted me, but there He was holding my hand telling me “ I want you, I love you, I want to be married with you”, and after seeing Him in that moment I was able to see Him all those times in the bathroom at school when i felt alone so I hide there during lunch time or break time, I saw Him all those times in family dinners where I felt like an outsider. He was there holding my hand; and just like that all those things that I have been learning from all those women became a reality in my life and I want to tell you these truth because they are also truth in your life.
This are the Women that were struggling with feelings like mine, and in their stories God showed me were he was in those dark and painful moments in MY life:
Hagar: When Abraham send her off with her boy she felt used, forgotten and rejected, and in the middle of the desert she scream for God to help her, she was desperate for the Lord, and there He spoke to her. We are never alone, not even in the loneliest desert He is always there even when we can’t see Him; I was longing for Him and I couldn’t see Him because I was in my comfort zone, in pain but safe, but that didn’t made things different, He was there and I was not forgotten and I was not rejected by Him.
Lot’s Wife: God showed me that the reason I couldn’t move on in my relationship with Him was because I was scare of leaving my sins in the past, my comforts in the past, I was scare of the future with Him, but I’m no longer scared. “ What God has saved me for is so MUCH GREATER than what He’s saved me from”.
Leah: Jacob didn’t want Leah, he wanted her sister and during their marriage she felt unloved; many times I feel unloved by my friends or family and that made me feel worthless, but now I can see His love I can say that not matter what men sees I see a beloved daughter of God.
Rahab: The label she gave herself and the label that the people gave her is not the same that God saw in her. The labels I give to myself are not true, the only label that matters is the one that God gave me: I am called, I am faithful, I am rescued, I am redeemed.
And my favorite, The one that spoke to me more than any other, Gomer: someone that spends her life running after other’s lovers. If it is true that I had never had a relationship, I had spend most of my life looking for my worth in friendships, in my family and in boys, even only as friends. But as I was reading about Gomer last night everything that I have been learning about myself, about Gods love for me and about my relationships with others became my reality. What God told me was “I am the one true lover of your soul. I will NEVER leave you or forsake you. Even though you’ve been running hard and fast in the other direction, I am going to pursue you and love you forever.” In my past I have made very bad decisions but today I make the decision of believing what God says about me, I make the decision of accepting the love that God has for me, I decide to forgive myself and to love myself, I make the decision of loving others in the way God wants me to love them, and I make the decision of accepting love from others.
I’m still learning but now when the enemy attacks me with those lies, I will know in my heart what is the truth.
Love, Mafer.
