I tend to be a very restless person.
I get bored of routine easily. I find change exciting. I’m hopeful that the good can only get better. and I love thinking about the endless possibilities that the unknowns of the future could hold. so no wonder my enneagram 7 self is on the world race!
But with all this wanderlust restlessness I’ve come across a lot of fear.
Fear of getting too comfortable.
Fear of missing out.
Fear of regret.
Fear of wasting time when there is so much to experience & see & do!
Here in Guatemala, I’ve found myself getting comfortable in the routine and norms of the culture- so much so that part of me feels ready to leave. Because heaven forbid I can feel content and at home here- right?! There’s so much more to see, there’s so much more life to be lived! But simultaneously I look at my life right now, at the faces of the kids I play with every day, at the simplicity of it all, and I wonder how on earth I’m ever going to be able to leave this place that I love so deeply!?
I feel so overwhelmed with love that I’m almost discouraged. I question why I should even invest so wholeheartedly into these people if it’s only going to make leaving that much harder.
And so I go round & round in this mindset of so desperately wanting to move on and yet never wanting to leave.
I wrestle with peace like it’s something I have to fight for.
I take on the responsibility of having everything under control and knowing exactly what’s going to happen next to deal with my restlessness because I think that if I can at least do that right, then maybe I can finally find rest. Maybe I’ll find peace.
But in reality, peace is exactly what God has to offer me.
For no cost. At the expense of no fight.
I just get to lean into the trust that He can offer me and say thank you.
Because peace is my portion.
I may have no idea what exactly the next year or month or even tomorrow is gonna look like- but that’s the beauty of the unknown that I can choose to be ok with. I get to be fully, undoubtedly, 100% present in the here & now because I know that God’s got it all under control. He’s got my past my present & my future, and He’s so excited to show me what’s yet to come.
That’s the peace that I want to surrender to & that’s the fear that I’m learning to give up.
So here I am Abba, my restless heart is yours.
Until next time,
~mae
