Something I have learned about myself recently is that I worry a lot about making everyone around me happy, sometimes at the cost of my own happiness.
I think all my life I have always tried to “do the right thing” and make sure that everyone involved in me “doing the right thing” is happy. My logic was (and often still is) that if everyone around me is happy then I will be too. If everyone is good, I’m good.
For all you enneagram lovers out there I am a true 9 to the core of my being. A peacemaker.
In this season of my life I have been seeking advice from many people close to me. I have been taking in opinions, input, advice, rebukes, praises, and questions of others and the emotions that sometimes linger behind those words. I have been continually scenario running in my mind conspiring ways to logically configure a way to take in all of these things from all of these people and make decisions in ways that could potentially please everyone.
Crazy, I know, but when this is the way my mind has worked all my life its hard to reverse. I’d also attribute this to my middle-child mentality too- if you are one, you know what I mean.
Well, I have news for you friends; news I’m almost positive you all know already- you can’t please everyone, no matter how close they are to you. You just can’t.
About a year ago, someone I have come to love so incredibly much asked me a question that shook me (in a good way that involved lots of tears), they asked:
“Mady, what do you want?”
That question struck me so deeply because it reminded me of the fact that I am allowed to want things, just for myself, for me alone. While that may sound conceded and selfish, I have learned that its not.
These answers to this question are particular things, plans, wishes, our greatest desires, and are often dreams. They are things we are supposed to do, be, become, and fall in love with. Neglecting the question “What do you want?” I have learned is neglecting my heart’s desires, my dreams, the little whispers from the Lord saying “This is right, just trust me”
Gosh, if I had a dime for every time the Lord has told me “Just trust me” in this past year, I’d be fully funded!
But that’s just it, sometimes things don’t make sense, and they’re not supposed to so we lean on Jesus and simply trust Him. Simple… right… but we can follow those gut feelings, aka the Holy Spirit, and we can trust Him.
There should be no fear in choosing the wrong path, of not pleasing the Lord because of fear of taking a step forward onto a path we aren’t sure is of the Lord. But that’s just as dangerous; if we are afraid to take that first step how are we supposed to learn to trust that the miles ahead of us are leading us closer to the Lord?
He will direct us if we need to be redirected, he will guide us through the wilderness, he will be with us wherever we go, we just need to go. And sometimes going begins with answering the question “What do you want?”, outside of all the words and emotions from others, looking at just you and the Lord. Answering “What do you want?” and going for that thing that you want can be following the Lord, of course, with the right intentions. But that’s just the thing if we are fearful of trusting the Lord in our going, how are we supposed to get anywhere?
I have learned that a little self reflection and listening to the Lord allows me to isolate my thoughts. In those moments of pondering life, God has taught me that I am allowed to pursue the desires of my heart, and I don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval to do so, my heart just needs to be right with the Lord, and that is enough. I can pursue the things the Lord places on my heart with an extra heaviness, I do not need to be afraid to make a decision, to go, and to trust Him.
God said it best anyway “This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord will be with you wherever you go.”Joshua1:9
Wherever we go.
So, my friend, I leave you with one question: What do you want?
Thanks for reading fam, I love you all!
~Mady
Also a HUGE praise the Lord moment- my first fundraising deadline will be met WOOHOO thank you all for the support! And deadline 2 will come in no time so please please support me, any donation is a huge donation to me 🙂
