5/20/19
Yesterday as I was on the phone with my mom she asked me the question, so “What are you guys doing there?”
And my automatic response was to tell her about teaching at a refugee school, getting connected to a church out here, and how everyday we ask the Lord what he wants us to do and do it.
I automatically started telling her the things we were doing. But then I stopped myself and said “Honestly I’m kind of struggling to find my purpose here”. I began to express how lately I’ve felt like we’ve just been going and doing things the Lord tells us to do but missing the heart behind it. We’ve been going to the grocery store or laundry mat like the Lord tells us to do because we feel like we’ve repeatedly been hearing the Lord tell us to just live life as we usually would and be open to what He wants to do in any given moment.
I’ve been going and doing all the things God has been telling us to do and wanting to see God move. I want to go evangelize, talk to people God highlights to me, and witness miracles BUT I haven’t. AndI’ve sat in this place of frustration for a little while. I’ve reevaluated what I’ve done wrong or what could go better, etc. and in that, completely missed the point. As of today I realized that its not about going and doing these things for God, its about daily becoming more like Jesus and letting that intimacy with him overflow in all of my actions. Its not about doing its about being and becoming.
This is where I’ve been missing the point.
I expressed on the phone to my Mom that lately I’ve felt really disconnected from myself. I know how I used to be month 1-3; I was on fire, I was much quicker to share what God presses on my heart in any given moment, I was actively dismissing fear, but since being in Asia all I can see behind my actions is fear. Fear of talking to a person God highlights to me or even fear of initially even asking God who he wants me to see and talk to that day.
Fear sucks ya’ll.
I later realized that this disconnect I have been feeling was coming from a disconnect with my heavenly Father. Fear snuck right on in where I wasn’t filling up with God’s love.
And that’s why I felt frustrated & disconnected. As our team went out daily and just did the things and went to the places the Lord told us, I saw it as a task rather than an opportunity to walk in step with the father, to abide, to make myself available to how the Spirit is moving, and to not be afraid to talk to who God highlights. The thing I missed was abiding, letting my obedience to him be out of love, rather than letting my obedience to him be out of obligation.
Abide is a word the Lord has been speaking to me since the beginning of the Race. Lol but God knows I need reminders and repetition! So its safe to say I’ve neglected actually abiding in Jesus for the month and a half or so.
Abiding is to remain in, to remain in the presence of God. John 15:4-5 says “Abide in me, as I also abide in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you abide in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
No wonder I’ve been frustrated with not seeing anything happen, not seeing any fruit, I’ve been trying to do it all on my own. I haven’t been abiding!
But thank God he gives me grace for every time I fall short. Which is a lot, and that’s okay! (I’m also learning to receive grace and not be so hard on myself woohoo! Its a process to say the least…)
Its true that we have taught at refugee schools and been moved deeply by the kids and staff at the schools. Its true that we have had encounters with random people at grocery stores or vendors on the street or tourists in areas we have stayed.
But just as 1corinthians13:2 says in my poor paraphrasing “all of these things mean nothing without love.” If I don’t stay connected to God who is love himself, these things mean nothing. I miss the point.
But now I desire with all my heart to make myself available- to let Holy Spirit move through me as I learn to abide every moment of every day, and be obedient to the Lord not out of obligation but out of an overflow of the love I know God has for me.
Abiding is remaining, getting to this place of intimacy with Jesus and staying there. Its not something I just do in my morning quiet time. Its something I get to do all day, spend quality time with my Father, and see how his power and might takes over in ever place we go.
So back to the original question… What am I doing here?
I’m learning to abide. I’m learning that what I do doesn’t define my worth, but who the Father says I am does. I am learning to do the “normal” things in life with my heavenly Father and do them in expectancy that God will create divine encounters with others as I go & choose to make myself available.
That’s how good God is! I get to choose to love Him back. I get to choose to make myself available. And I get to do normal life all around the world with this awesome team and watch God shape us into these strong women of faith, and walk in the authority Jesus gave us everywhere we go and see the Kingdom of Heaven on earth.
So I’m doing a lot here. But more importantly I’m becoming a lot more like Jesus.
