“Do it afraid,” is a quote that has been ringing in my mind lately, especially pertaining to The Race. But “doing it afraid” implies that fear is present, so let me do you the honors of introducing you to my fears.
I’m afraid God is going to take my plans and toss them to the wind. Take my dreams and hopes and say “nope not anymore”. That he’s going to lead me somewhere that is going to break my heart in so many ways that I know that I will never be the same from that moment on. That my life will demand to look different than I planned it because of the specific heart strings that were so strongly tugged on. I am afraid that these plans I have now will be no more. No marriage, no children, no more school, no more comforts, no more of the things I have dreamed of my whole life. I am terrified that he will alter my plans so immensely that these hopes and dreams of mine will no longer exist. I am terrified that these things will be stripped from me-just gone and I will have no control over it. I am terrified that I am going to hurt so bad as this happens. That as he rearranges my ideal future into my actual purpose in life that the process is going to hurt, a lot.
I guess my grip really is that tight.
I always say I want my arms and hands wide open for God to move in my life, yet I cannot even seem to pry my grip off these certain things, these certain dreams, these certain plans, & these certain people.
I know I have control, I can have control if I choose it, but I know I’m not supposed to. Because once I let go of control I find my purpose, God shows me my purpose. And to me, for some reason that still terrifies me- because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that means letting go of my dreams, some of the things that bring me immense joy & immeasurable amounts of love.
That’s my fear for this year. For the Race. That God is going to take my plans & dreams and destroy them. But second in line to this fear is the fear that I won’t let him do it, that I’ll get in the way of his will. That I won’t let him show me the good he has planned.
I can’t help think to myself that if I stayed, if I wasn’t going on the race, I’d have complete control over my plans and dreams, & I might be right there with all the other happy couples flooding your feeds with engagement photos.
But I’m not.
I know I’m supposed to go.
Even at this moment as I am currently behind the next fundraising deadline. As I am maybe possibly stressing out about it… I know I am supposed to go.
This isn’t just a cool adventure to go on for me, although I’m sure it will be. The World Race is a journey I know the Lord is inviting me on to show me more of his heart, to serve his people, and share his love as I experience the depths of it myself.
So as I post time and time again, asking you for money, revealing my fears, telling you of how good the Lord is even in the chaos, I hope and pray that you know that this isn’t easy for me in the least bit.
Each day I find myself frustrated and asking the Lord for more trust and faith. I don’t know how the provision is going to come, I don’t know what he has planned, I don’t know how and if he’s going to wreck my future plans, who is going to surprise me by their radical generosity, how I will be fully funded, I just don’t know.
But here are some things I do know:
I’m supposed to go.
I’m afraid of what God’s got planned, and that I’ll get in the way of it.
And that sometimes I suck at asking for help, especially when I need it most.
$2,415 stands between me discovering what the Lord has planned for me, & me potentially overcoming my fears.
Thats about:
12 people donating $200
24 people donating $100
50 people donating $49
or 100 people donating $24
Help me friends, family, strangers, acquaintances, etc. to see what the Lord has planned, and help me not to be afraid to embrace it, even if it hurts.
yours truly,
Mady Riedlinger
