3/26/19 Lome, Togo
I figured it out! I just can’t figure everything out…
I keep feeling like I can’t get anything right.
And I know that that comes from me fearing that I’m not doing whatever it is that I am doing right.
My relationship, I fear sometimes that I’m not doing that right.
This whole team leader thing; I feel like I’m not doing that right.
Its odd because at some moments I feel so filled with faith in my actions, in my words, etc.
I am filled with faith, and I do know that my judgement is good.
Yet I know I am the type to try and figure it all out, do all the right things master something and be good at it.
I don’t think leading a group of people towards Christ is something you can just “master”. Its not something I can just figure out how to do in an hour, or day, or week. Its not like glycolysis, I can’t just memorize all the steps of it, and understand the whole process in one study session.
Just like my relationship. I can’t just figure it out. I can’t figure out why I feel the way that I do, how to navigate a long, long distance relationship for nearly a year and a half. I cannot figure out how to completely trust another human across the world with my heart when I already know he has the ability to break it in a million pieces in five seconds. I cannot just figure out how to heal from all the things him and I went through this summer, or how to preserve through this season of not seeing or holding my favorite person for over the course of 15 months.
But I do know that I can trust in the promises that the Lord gave me.
I do know that I am a good leader.
That it is a gift of mine.
That the Lord told me that the next man that pursued me would be my husband.
I do know that the Lord keeps his promises and holds my heart in his hands.
That I don’t have to place this burden on myself to figure out how to “do” leadership well. That it’s going to take time. That I am going to fail, and I am going to need to ask for help and learn so much about God’s grace, and my strengths and weakness in this process.
I know that who the Lord tells me I am is enough, and what the Lord has for me is more than enough to hold onto with absolute hope and persevere through whatever doubts the enemy tries and enter my mind.
I’m not going figure out how to heal right away and I’m not going to figure out how to lead right away. I’m not going too figure out how to completely trust someone with my heart again overnight, or in my time. Its all gotta be in God’s time. I am not going to “master” a relationship status or a leadership status. These are burdens I unconsciously place on myself.
Its a gift that my mind works this way, wanting to learn how to be good at the things that are immediate in my life. But it seems like God is trying to show me that I do have to be patient and that learning and growing and healing are processes they DO NOT happen over night, or even in half a year. And I cannot understand all of my feelings or the Lord’s plan for me or how to deal with conflict resolution perfectly. I am going to need to ask for help along the way.
Ha, no wonder the Lord has me on this freaking mountain in our secret place (the place in envision in my mind when I sit with the Lord). We’re climbing so he can teach me that its about the journey not about just running quickly to the mountain tops. I know we’re going be here a while, but my automatic reaction is HOW LONG LORD?!
How long until my heart fully trusts again, until we fully heal, until my mind doesn’t run to the “what ifs” and my heart its completely and entirely filled with nothing but love for him, and I am filled with complete confidence in my leadership decisions?
It seems as if there just aren’t timelines placed on the most important things in life. The aren’t timelines on healing, growing, and becoming.
Lord be my joy. Be my Strength. I know you are here with me. And I trust you, I promise to let you lead my feet meticulously, to put a purpose to every place I step. I trust you, I promise. I promise I won’t try and figure it all out on my own and place these burdens on myself to do so. I’m going to let you show me every single day. I need you. I need your grace.
Yup. That’s where I’m at. In this season of waiting in patience and being humbled by the fact that I just can’t figure it all out, and that’s okay. I know there is a greater purpose behind it all, and the famous saying rings true; time heals. But I also know that time is precious, and waiting is so significant, and that the creator of time is so so good, so there is so way this waiting, healing, and growth won’t also be good.
P.S. All is well with my relationship, and with my team, and with myself. I just know that there are still things within these relationships that the Lord is healing within me through them, growing me specifically through them, and calling me to wait on his promises through. And waiting is freaking hard because that it requires no action of me but choosing to dwell with the Lord and let him speak to me, daily.
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Photo Credit: Paige Emerson!
