Well its been a long time coming, but here we are jumping right on into a new season in a new country with new teams and new & exciting responsibilities. Recently, we just had team changes!
The fun thing about my new season is that I got my new team that will not change for the rest of the race, its my team of raised up squad leaders! Our sweet team of 4 may change which teams we will be with for the next 6 months, but our core team will not change, and I think that’s pretty cool.
A raised up Squad Leader (SQL)… What on earth… I’ve been finding myself in this place of just being in absolute awe of how God brought me here, on the race, all around the world and now in leadership. Its been an absolute honor, and I hope and pray that I do nothing but enter into this new season with complete humility and open arms to receive and learn all that the Lord has for me.
“How did I get here?” has been a question that just blows my mind. Since when did God choose me to be here, to experience his love on a level I cannot even begin to explain in words?! Since when did God appoint me the gift of leadership? I look back on this not with with pride but in complete awe of the work the Lord has done in me since I too chose him.
Anyone who knew me in high school knew me as a soccer player, yeah someone that was popular, maybe as a but of a party girl, and maybe someone that liked to “talk” or “have flings” with guys. Yeah that was me, but ah man the person God has showed me that I really am…ahh holy cow…. I’m cry as I write this because it blows me away how much life I have found in becoming the person I know I really am, the person I know God has created me to be.
I used to be someone that craved the attention and approval of others through putting myself in situations that would make me feel seen and loved. Whether that was in relationship with guys, being in the center of the dance floor at parties, kissing a variety of people sometimes all in one night, or drinking and smoking just so I wasn’t teased for not. I craved approval and belonging through some of these things even days before I left for The Race. But guess what, all those things left me feeling pretty empty actually like my tank was totally on E.
Its easy to feel full, to feel seen temporarily. It really is. But to this day the only thing I know in my heart has brought me the feeling of a constant joy and fulfillment is love.
And no I’m not talking about love in my relationship, thats pretty great too, but even that too has let me down. Because humans are flawed and that’s just reality.
But I’m talking about love from God. A love that has taught me how to love myself, and is continually teaching me how to love others around me.
The thing about God’s love thats been blowing my mind lately is that he chose me out of everyone to receive his love, to be a disciple, a daughter of Christ, and to experience the Holy Spirit in ways I can’t even put words to. I don’t deserve this & I don’t get it. And it just freaking blows me away that I get to be here, I get to see God move through my squad and my team and through me.
I just don’t get it, and I don’t think I ever will.
I’m just this girl who used to seek the attention of others, who was chasing love in so many outlets for so long, and now I’m across the world learning to be spiritual leader. Me. Me?! Just how. I don’t know. But I thank God for bringing me to this place, not just Makassar, Indonesia, but this place of experiencing the radicalness of his love every single day.
I sit here now and just shake my head in awe and disbelief of where I was and where I am. I’m in awe of how the liveliness in my heart as I transform more into my true self, the person I am positive I was created to be every single day.
God brought me here, and has me here because he loves me. I don’t deserve it, I really don’t. But its an absolute gift. And its my absolute number one hope and prayer for my family, my boyfriend, my friends, and all of you that you to experience God’s love in a way that forever changes you and brings you to this place of unity in your heart and soul of becoming yourself. I hope we all one day feel more whole and can look back on how far we’ve come and who we have become with absolute awe and disbelief.
I don’t deserve this, but I was chosen. By God. And that blows me away. I was chosen by him, and what changed my life the most was choose him back.
Choosing to follow Jesus is and was the hardest but also the easiest thing I have and will ever do. But let me tell ya its worth it, every tear, ever doubt overcome, ever ridicule, every thing. He is worth it all, because he is love himself. And his love will continually allow me to discover the woman I was created to be, and let me tell you, Ah I like her a lot better than the person I was trying to create on my own.
So its a new season yeah, and I’m pumped for it. It might be messy and hard but I know its worth it and will be full of so much love and grace. I don’t deserve this, any of it, and its so beautiful how God still chooses to give me these good good things as I continue to choose him.
Its an all new season of becoming even more of myself and learning a heck of a lot more about myself too now through a new lens.
I don’t know what this season holds, but I do know that it will be good, because thats God, he is nothing but good even when things don’t make sense or they’re hard. God is still good, and God is still love, and God still is for me even when I’m not even for myself- & that consistency will never change.
I don’t get it. I never will here on earth. But I’m continually blown away that I was and am chosen for this position and for this season.
I am not the same person I was in high school or even college or even who I was before I left for the race, but I am even more so becoming my true self as I press into Jesus and who he says I am.
God’s a cool guy, I know that if we all gave him a chance we’d feel a lot more whole & a lot more like our true selves. Maybe your season too, just like me, looks like pressing into who God says you really are to continue to learn and persevere through whatever comes next.
Fundraising update! I’m only about $600 away from being fully funded with monthly donors!! Praise JESUS, so please scroll up and hit that donate button to help keep me on the field and be a VITAL part of this journey for me 🙂 I love you guys and am so so thankful for all of you!!
