April 26th, 2019
I think all it took was the mountains to bring me back the reminder of what I needed.
This past week I have spend 3 out of 7 nights sleeping on a bus traveling from the north Chiang Mai, back to Bangkok, then right back to the south to Ptong, Phuket where we are now. I have spent approximately 72 hours on a bus in the past 4 days. What is this life I live?! But I’d do it all again because where God brought me to in the north and here in the south is a place my physical body and heart need to be.
The mountains.
Every time I have been near mountains in my life I have felt at home. I have felt the presence of God stronger than I ever have in my entire life. It like they’re my safe haven. They’re the place where I know I can fully breathe and its like a new part of me comes alive in the mountains.
Our two day excursion to Chaing Mai on Monday and Tuesday was the first time in a year I was physically in the mountains. And classic me, as soon as we got to the first look out of the park all I wanted to do was cry. Cry because I felt free, I felt small and felt how big and mighty these mountains were around me, which reminded me of how big and mighty God is. How he surrounds me and assures me that he is my peace, he will always lead me to freedom, and he will always assure me that I am small in the best ways possible.
This week April 24th-30th, we have our own little test run of ATL (ask the Lord) without squad leaders and just as a team. Our team came together while still in Bangkok last week and all clearly heard from the Lord to head south, in particular, to Phuket. So guess where we are now? Yup Ptong, Phuket. A place abundant with mountains and beach fronts, but more importantly the mountains. We asked the Lord where we needed to be and he took us there!
This morning in 9am prayer with our team a couple of us had the same question on our mind; why are we here?! Vanessa shared that as she talked to God about that question he answered the question so clearly “because I love you” God brought us here because he loves us. That’s wild to me. God hand chose us 7 weirdos to travel to Phuket because he loves us and because he chose us to show others around us how much they are loved too. Wild.
After prayer this morning I verbally processed my thoughts and feelings to my team, God bless them, sometimes I don’t even know really how I’m feeling or why I’m feeling the way I am until I open my mouth, BUT ANYWAY I realized that God brought me here to the mountains, yes, because he loves me, but also because he wants to show me how to love myself and him better. He brought me here to remind me that Him and I need quality time together, & my heart needs to connect to his, just like he allowed me to feel how sweet that is in the mountains of Chaing Mai.
I need to connect to my heavenly father, and that’s something I do so effortlessly when I’m surrounded my mountains. But it wasn’t until I prayed with my team this morning that I realized that I am allowed to ask for what I need to connect to my father. I am allowed to ask for what I need, because what I need is to connect with my Papa, God my father.
My number one love language is quality time, and I know that I spend quality time with God when I run, something I’ve neglected to do all month. But something else I’m learning to receive in faith is forgiveness and grace- the truth that there is nothing I can or cannot do to make God love me less, he never sees me as anything differently that who he knows I am and he looks at me with nothing but love, NOTHING BUT LOVE and I can’t change that, ever!
Amen. But back to the mountains…
The mountains are a place God continues to bring me back to to show me that he is here, and he wants to connect with me on a deep deep level. Be brings me to the very things that I even know fills my heart and soul and body with what I need. They’re beautiful and huge reminders that God will bring me and show me the things I need even when I am afraid to ask for those things or forget that I am allowed to.
I shared with my team this morning that its one of my worst fears in life that I am seen as selfish or prideful. I know I am not, but I never want my actions to portray selfishness or pride, even at the expense of my own needs. Ouch, there it is. This I realized is the most selfish thing I can do, I put the perceptions of others over my own needs. How on earth am I supposed to show others love if I myself am afraid to engage in the very actions that connect me to love himself out of fear that others will perceive me as selfish or prideful? Ah no its not possible! Sometimes being selfless is one of the most selfish things I can do, or maybe its just my false perception of what being selfless actually is.
Thanks satan, you idiot- he does that sometimes, twists truths into lies, like the lie that I shouldn’t ask for what I need because its selfish- when actually its selfish for me not to ask for what I need because those needs connect me to my heavenly father, which is the exact connection satan is trying to prevent, little idiot.
This morning after I declared the truths out loud (thanks Vanessa for making me uncomfortably stand up and do it, you’re right it was necessary) my teammate Jordan grabbed my hand walked me to the shoreline where the sand gets hard enough to walk on easier. She said “we’re going to sprint down to the buoys and as you run I want you to feel the freedom from… what?” And I said “shame for asking for what I need, and fear that I’m and inconvenience.” She wrote the words shame and fear in the sand at the “starting line”, counted us down, and we raced. As we sprinted down the beach front and all I could do was smile and cry out of the the joy of feeling freedom again, and feeling that connection with my father again from one simple 100meter sprint. It was that simple.
Today I broke off that shame of asking for what I need, and decided that I will fight for quality time with God, for me, through running. I will give myself permission to ask for what I need, for a running buddy. I can trust that the people in my life do not see me as selfish or prideful, and I can trust that I’ll receive the things I ask for, and fight for what I need. God said to me this afternoon:
“I brought you here to learn to fight for us, for our communion, to fight for our relationship. Learning to fight for us will teach you how to fight for everyone else, every other relationship in your life. Your team, Gerardo, your family, your friends. Fight for us first and naturally you will know how to fight for them. Its easy my love. Lace up and lets run together.”
Why does God always make it seem so much simpler? BECAUSE IT IS. I just seem to get caught up in overthinking everything, just a downfall of being a real deep thinker, but hey that’s okay.
I guess all I took were the mountains for me to be reminded of what I need and to not be afraid to ask for it. I am not selfish, I am not prideful, I am not an inconvenience. I AM allowed to ask for what I need and trust that I will receive it. I am giving myself permission to ask for what I need, and I am going to unashamedly ask for what I need to connect with God, my Papa the number one relationship in my life.
Thank you God for bringing us to the mountains because you love us and because you are teaching me how to fight, and I am so excited to tell others of how much you love them too. You brought me where I needed to be, to the mountains, the place I know I connect with you so deeply so you can teach me how to fight for us, for me, and for them.
And this is why I freaking love the mountains. They always teach me something new about myself, because their creator is mine too, its all about connection.
Thanks for reading ya’ll! We head to Malaysia in 4 days so prayers for safe travel would be awesome, and prayers for financial support would be great too our fundraising deadline is in 4 DAYS!
