So here we are. It’s the end of my time in Swaziland and almost about time to give my key away and head home. Its crazy how the Lord can tell you one thing and literally change it in an instant. For example, who I’m giving my key too! Not that it mattered because you guys didn’t now who it was in the first place, but it kinda took a turn of events. The Lord told me countless times for the past few months about who my key would be going to. So I was gonna post some blogs about my key, post some pictures, dedicate a blog to them, and give it to them; get all hyped up ya know. But over the past week I’ve been wrestling with the Lord because He changed who the key was for! After lots of thinking, I came to the conclusion that the key was not who I intended it to be for. Instead, the key is for me. shocker I know. At the beginning of the race, the Lord told me the key was for me but I chose to ignore Him and pray about it for other people. But as the months continued the Lord worked so hard through the people I had thought I was going to give my key too, and watching my list dwindle one by one as my options got smaller and smaller was at the same time something beautiful but also confusing because the people kept changing.
Its actually kinda cool because everyday I prayed and continued to pray so hard for these people. I would pray so hard to the Lord that he would work through them, to show up in their life in some way, to make a revelation of some sort. And now that im sitting here thinking about it, he freaking did it in his own way. Man what a guy!! Abbey, Maggie, Bella, Mac, and Hannah Carlson I’m talking to you. Really proud of the women you’ve become on the race and watching you guys walk into boldness and who the Lord is calling you to be in your own way has been something beautiful to witness.
For the past 9 months I’ve been learning and experiencing what its like to step out and live boldly. Ive been shown and ive been guided and ive been taught. To speak up when things need to be said; to be bold in my prayers and to be pushed WAY out of my comfort zone. so I went to the Lord of course and I was like Jesus what the heck are you kidding me?! Ive been planning this for the past 9 months and ive been getting the people hyped up! The people want to know! And now it’s me. Literally as soon as I said that he responded right back. Here’s what he said (imagine this in the most loving and gentle way possible haha)
“Mady, I don’t know if you see it, but you’re not living boldly. You claim you’ve taken hold of what you think it means to be bold, but you haven’t. Instead you’re fully aware that you’re living behind a word you’re too scared to step out in front of.“
Left me speechless, all I can say haha.
I’m over here talking the talk but not walking the walk.
Over the course of the 3 months I lived in Guatemala I had this vision many times, it was always at the tip of my fingers but I could never ever grab hold of it and figure out what it meant. So theres these two doors in the kitchen that lead out to the bathroom. They’re outrageously loud if you so much as slightly use force to close the door and even louder when the wind blows, its ridiculous. So in this vision I had i’m sitting at a table facing the doors. They’re chained shut with a padlock on it. And Im sitting in front of these doors watching them violently shake like someone is trying escape a horror movie, but im not scared, I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated because I don’t know whats going on and I don’t know that whats behind the door but I know that its not bad. And im just sitting there and I can’t figure out how to open the door. I had this vision every morning. Before breakfast I was always annoyed because when I would walk into the kitchen and look at those doors I could feel the reasoning behind this vision at the tips of my fingers but I couldn’t get a hold of it. I spent so much time talking with the Lord, trying to get an answer or at least a hint of what it meant. Never happened.
Last night our squad did a 12 hour prayer burn from 8pm – 8am. I signed up for the 1am – 2am so I just stayed up until then. Before it started I began to write a rough draft for this blog and I was trying to come up with reasons as to why im still holding on to this key and then I started to think about that vision. 6 months later and I finally figured out what was behind those doors so desperately trying to set whatever it was free. It was me. The whole time it was me ( its still blowing my mind). I tried to figure out why and this is what I came up with. I’m stopping myself from being free from myself. Does that make sense? In other words Im not letting who the Lord created me to be and the plans he has intended for me out. I locked myself up in a tower that no one can reach. I put myself in a box. Lyss if you’re reading this, hmu and tell me if that last sentence rings a bell.
So yea, there you have it. All the hype dwindling down to me haha. I know I was intended to keep this key, the Lord was right, he straight up told me and it stung because its true. So I guess I’m just gonna hold onto it until I know I’ve stepped in front of a word I’ve chosen to use as a shield and cower down behind instead of stepping in front of it and showing people what its like to be bold.
Live boldly and live freely my friends.
Thanks mom for the key, I’m moving mountains with it.
Love, Mady
