Today I cried

  

Today I cried.

Finally.

I have not cried since I left until today.

 

My body has fully adjusted to the time zone here, I almost didn’t feel the jet lag. However, my brain was still living in Colorado (and I don’t blame it). During the day, I would feel almost no emotion, besides a few laughs and some anxiety. But, during the night, I would sleep restlessly, my brain trying to process all of the things that I had been going through. I would wake up tangled in my sheets from all the tossing and turning, feeling even more tired then before. I longed to feel emotion. I would reread texts that made me cry before, I would think of home… and still felt almost nothing.

 

However, last night, I finally had a good nights rest.

And then I cried.

 

I cried because I was tired of lime washing everything in sight and not seeing the difference because it takes up to a day to see (not very rewarding huh).

I cried because I was tired of being covered head to toe in lime wash.

I cried because I was tied of living in what seems like a box, never being able to leave, except with a male guardian.

I cried because I was tired of going out and having the men stare at me like I was something to be bought or played with. (PSA not all of them do this, but the first time I went into town, I was terrified… it has gotten better. If you want to know more on this, go read my teammates blog: rachelnehring.theworldrace.org)

I cried because I was tired of taking cold showers.

I cried because I was tired of always having flies land on me and other bugs, even though I just showered.

I cried because I felt sick.

I cried because I was tired of being tired.

I cried because I missed home.

 

I miss home. I miss the mountains (yes, Albania does have “mountains”, but they simply cannot compare to our towering mountains). I miss the seasons. I miss the squirrels (I have not seen a single squirrel here yet… but the cats kinda act like them occasionally). I miss Old Town and the safety that I feel at home.

I miss the community. I miss having people all around me who know me. Who I don’t have to try to explain myself to. Who have walked with me through everything. Who get me.

I miss my family. I miss their hugs. I miss their laughs. I miss their crazy love.

 

As everyone went off to lunch, I crawled into one of the bunks in our room, and cried. I held my tias scarf that she sprayed with her perfume. I curled up into a ball and wept for the first time since I have been here.

 

But then I remembered what one of my sweet teammates said to me when I told her that I was worried about falling apart.

“Don’t worry, we will be here to put you back together again.”

I remembered that I have not only a team of seven behind me, but an entire squad of 49 people behind me as well.

 

And that is what we do best. We love each other.

 

We put each other back together when we fall apart.

We hold each other when we cry or feel sick.

We tend to each other’s wounds.

We give what we have to help someone who needs it more than we do.

We love loudly.

 

So, if you are still wondering, yes, I miss home.

My heart aches for it.

But I also have found a home here. We are crazy, loud, and messy, but dang, do we know how to love each other.