Tacloban:
The sound of chickens and dogs. The smell of soft, sweet rain. The view of the mountains and ocean from our balcony. The community. The sound of kids laughing and singing praises to the one they know as their Savior Jesus.
This place has captured my heart. I left Albania nervous and scared, having to uproot nad leave what I called home once again. I was nervous to live with three other teams. I was in a place of emotional and spiritual weariness. I felt like I was constantly texting my sweet friend Merrell, who also went to the Philippines last year and loved it. I was holding onto the hopes that she was giving me. She constantly told me that it was the happiest place on earth. I honestly didn’t believe her.
Now I do.
Three years ago, Tacloban was hit by a super typhoon they call Yolanda. It killed 20,000 or more people and destroyed buildings, businesses, and farms. What some of the people have seen is something that we can never imagine.
Yet, I find that they live with such joy. They are constantly smiling and laughing. The children are always up to play and everytime we see them they run up to us and say “You are so beautiful!”
I have found a new appreciation for joy. While in Albania, our squad leader Hilary stayed with our team. One night, she asked us what we wanted from the rest of our time in Albania. I said that I wanted to hear from God radically. Now, when I said radically, I had expectations. I expected a burning bush or crazy storm or something of similar caliber. However, as usual, God didn’t work as expected. Soon after Hilary left, I felt a heaviness on my heart. I was sad all the time. In fact, I can’t remember a day in October that I didn’t cry. There wasn’t anything in particular that I was sad about, I just had a heavy heart.
I remember one day, I was sitting in the van on the way back from ministry. I put my headphones in and listened to some worship music. I sat there and cried out to God.
“God, why do I feel like you have left me here? I feel so alone and sad. My heart is so broken and I have no idea why.”
As I sat there and silently wept, I felt a comfort similar to a father wrapping his arms around his crying child. I heard a voice in my head say “My child, it is ok to weep. Life is hard and the world is a broken place. Still, seek me in the hard times. Joy comes in the mourning.”
At the time, I didn’t realize what or rather who, was speaking to me. However, the more time went on, the more and more God revealed himself to me in soft, kind, and comforting ways.
Around the same time, I also made a commitment to read a chapter of the Bible every day. I started in the Psalms. As soon as I started to realize what was going on in my life a little more, the Psalms began to really speak into my life. I read verses like Psalms 31:7 and Psalms 28:6-8
I began to sort through what was going on and what I was feeling with my team. The first time I really sat down and talked through everything, it was like a waterfall. I was sitting in an empty gym with my teammate Destiney. (Little known fact about her and I: every time we talk deeply, our lives get wrecked by Jesus.) I began to blabber about how I was feeling and what I thought of it and it came to me. I asked God to speak to me. He did. In more ways than one: through the Bible, in my mind, and through sweet friends. Not at all what I was expecting. The more I talked about it, the more it began to make sense. I talked to more people about it. A sweet girl on another team (who I consider to be so so full of Godly wisdom and so on fire for God) Mckayla, gave me Ephesians chapter 3, which is titled “A time for Every thing”. I then again understood that it was ok for me to have a heavy heart. I also was FaceTiming some sweet family friends a couple nights before we flew out of Albania (shoutout to the Yonans. I love and miss y’all) and Mrs.Yonan said to me: “It’s ok to have a hard day, a hard week, a hard month, or even a hard year. We will love you through it all.” I heard God in that.
I heard God anytime anyone told me they were proud of me. I heard God through my teammates, my squadmates, and squad leadership.
I left Albania not expecting this heaviness to go away, but I was ok with it because I was seeking and finding God and His overwhelming joy in my sorrow.
The minute I stepped foot in the airport in Manila, my spirits lifted. I knew that these next few months were going to be filled with trials, because life is hard, but I was going to get to choose joy.
In these next few months in the Philippines, I see joy. I see triumph. I see laughter. I see discovery. I see redemption. I see healing. I see love. And most of all. I see God.
Tacloban has already taught me so much about choosing joy, and I can’t wait to see what else it has to offer to me, and in return, what I have to offer to it.
God is so good. All the time. Even when my heart hurts and I feel like I want to go home and not press in anymore. Even when the people around me don’t understand why I am crying (again). Even when the community I am currently living in has been destroyed by natural disasters.
In all things, God is present. His joy fills the space if we just ask for it. He freely gives.
And what a gift it is.
