So I go home in 1 month.
I go back to the people that have sent me. I go back to the house that I have known most of my life. I go back to being able to drive my car, and to go places when I want. I get to play whatever music I want, whenever I want, however loud I want. I get to put dishes in the dishwasher. I get to sleep in my own bed, in my own room. I get to take a long shower, not really having to think about the person waiting in line behind me. I get to be home.
But a huge part of my heart is terrified. A huge part of me is screaming “ NO! I don’t want to go! I can’t leave!”
I am invested here. I have family here. I am involved in the community like I was at home, here. I love these people. I love this country with a passion that I honestly, didn’t know I had. I have to leave the comfort of the home that i have made here. I have to leave my family.
I told one of my teammates that this goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Right next to saying goodbye when I was leaving America. It makes my heart hurt every time I think about leaving here.
Some days, I can’t wait to go home and have all of the things that i gave up for 9 months. I can’t wait to hug my sweet friends and family again. But other days, I just want to curl up into a ball and slow time down. Some days, if someone told me that I could stay, I would say yes. 100% yes.
Now, when I say that, it isn’t because I don’t miss home or I don’t want to see my people. It is simply because I realize that something that I have devoted almost 2 years of my life to, if coming to an end.
I feel incredibly unprepared and overwhelmed.
I have found that I have become comfortable, being uncomfortable. And so now, I am going to be uncomfortable, entering back into the comfortable.
Does that make sense?
Either way, I am again, stepping out of my comfort zone. I have to trust that God is carrying me through it and I will be entering into a new season of new growth and challenges. I can already tell you that I am going to be so incredibly emotional (what’s new?) and it is going to be a hard transition back into “normal”. Nothing in the world could ever prepare you for entering back in.
But it is something that I have to do. Another leap of faith.
That is what we have been called to. Continual leaps of faith.
So as we prepare to come home this next month, please be praying for our hearts and our minds. It is going to be an amazing last month that is going to fly by. I desperately want to stop time and speed it up all at the same time. Pray for presence and peace of mind.
I miss and love you all, and I can’t wait to see you in 1 month!
