It’s been one month.
One month since I left Colorado on this grand adventure.
I had no idea what I was in store for.
I now sit in a room, with 4 other girls, boiling alive (I am pretty sure that I am going to become a nice baked potato).
But I am happy. I am filled with a joy that certainly has to come from God.
I am filled with a new fire that I haven’t even tasted before. Some days, the flame is smaller then others, but I still feel it, burning inside of me.
Now, this flame is quite new to me. When I first got to Albania, all of my soul ached for home. I was disappointed because I expected to be filled with awe and an excitement that could not be held back. But all I felt was dread at the change that I was going to experience.
I was not excited for any of the ministry that we were going to do. The first two weeks, we were at a farm in Lezhe, so it was a little hard to get excited for manual labor. I gave myself a break for that because I feel like there are very few that get super pumped to lime wash a pig’s pen and scoop various animal poop all day long. But I still did the ministry to the best of my ability and with all the servants heart that I could muster! And I did enjoy it to a degree. But I was expecting to be filled with this fire. And when I wasn’t, I felt abandoned by God.
I felt like maybe I wasn’t supposed to be on this trip. I mean, if I was, shouldn’t I be as excited as the rest of my squad mates? Shouldn’t I be bouncing off the walls with this joy and awe of where we were and what we were doing?
When our squad split into our teams at the end of the two weeks in Lezhe, my team didn’t have a home for around 4 days so we stayed in Tirana with another team. I again felt the overwhelming sense of alone and abandoned by God. Yes, we got to explore a beautiful city that is older than anything in America, and we got to laugh and eat good foods and meet new amazing people, but I still could not make myself feel this excitement that seemed to envelop my teammates. I continued to question whether I was even supposed to be here and why I was alone in this.
After the 4 days of exploring and adventure in Tirana, my team finally headed off to our real home in Lushnjë. We moved into our new apartment and met our new amazing host family. We got to see a little bit of this new town and see some bits of the culture. My team seemed to be bursting with a joy that I simply could not grasp. I wanted to be thrilled to be here. I wanted to be so in love with this city and its people. I wanted to be ecstatic about the ministry that we are going to be doing. But all I felt was emptiness.
Then, one night,as my team was to go to a prayer meeting where we would get to meet some of the church members, I felt sick. I was dehydrated (because the water here is straight nasty and because I am indeed a Coloradoan, I am a little bit of a water snob), and I was overheated. So I stayed home while the other girls went to the prayer meeting. I tried to get some rest but wasn’t able to. I was hot and scared (being home alone in a foreign country is a little scary especially when a random man unlocks your door, walks halfway in, sees you, and then leaves and locks the door behind him). So I got out of bed and stood out on our back balcony. I felt the cool breeze (which is a real treat in forever hot Lushnjë), and lifted my eyes to look out on this city. In this moment, I realized what I am doing. It finally sunk in. I am across the world. I am here to love loudly; to share the love of Jesus Christ. And I thought to myself, how lucky am I?
So, as I said earlier, God finally set the fire ablaze in my soul.
I can’t get enough.
Yes, I still have had days where I just wanna stay home and miss home. I still feel sick, but it’s ok (don’t worry mom).
I feel at home. I feel loved, I feel excited to be here. I can’t wait to see what God has planned for us here.
I know my purpose. I am here to love. To be loved. To love like Jesus did. To show people how loved they are by the One who created the mountains that surround us. And it is an incredible job to have.
And I couldn’t be more excited.
