Fun thing about living in community with people that are supposed to pull out all the good and all the bad in you is that sooner or later you have a break down. Fortunately for me, I'm perfect and haven't had any constructive feedback or spouts with anyone.
And in the words of my wonderful team leader… YEA RIGHT!!
What the bump is going on with me? I have all these issues coming up that I thought I'd worked through a long time ago. Yet here I am once again, begging God to fix me, fix my heart, asking Him what is wrong with me???
So I've been conversing with Him pretty heavily lately…something that I'm learning to do here on the race. Not just talk to Him, but listen to what He has to say back. And guess what? He's a big lover. Oh man, such a lover. Here are some of our convos:
[Pouring my heart out to HIm about how messed up I am and how confused I am to be falling back into all this junk once again. Why am I so messed up? Is anyone else this screwed up, is anyone else dealing with these issues???]
God: My daughter, do you not know how much I adore you? I don't give you more than you can handle. You are strong because I give you My strength.
Me: God will you ever fix me?
God: You were never broken, I've simply been molding you how you needed to be molded.
Me: How do I keep Satan away?
God: I will fight for you! You belong to ME and you already know that. He can't touch you when your eyes are set on Me.
Which a few days later led me to realizing that I was holding on to a lot of junk. Either I needed to release it or not. So I did, and I will every day and here's what I had to release:
"God, I'm laying down my burdens at Your cross. My burdens of negativity, my burdens of judgement, hatred, neediness. I AM NOT BROKEN! I AM NOT THE PROBLEM! I do NOT have issues. So I refuse them. I refuse these lies. I am new, I cannot put new wine in old wineskin, my new spirit into my old body. I am COMPLETELY NEW, mind, body, and soul. I am PURE! I am worthy! I am all NEW and Satan's lies I refuse!"
I'm trying to be vulnerable so that others can see that Satan has crazy lies that he lays on everyone. Either we can stay in these prisons…mine being that I always think I'm THE problem… or we can listen to Christ who speaks truth into us.
"I have made you, and I will carry you, I will bear you and SAVE you."
-Isaiah 46:4b
