Something I’ve been learning over the last few months is how much grace I lack for others. I automatically assume the worst and I expect the worst of intentions from people. When someone tells me they love me, I test it against their actions and determine if I think they have sufficiently loved me. It’s wrong, I know, and God is teaching me, slowly because I’m stubborn, but He’s teaching me.
Not until recently did I realize this is something I’ve done to my mother for years. I have harbored anger against her for so long, thinking over and over again that I’ve released it but never truly having done so. She has moved on, she has apologized and she has loved me to the fullest of her human ability, but I have not accepted the love. I instead have compared to the past and questioned, “Is this really love or is this compensation?” Not at all a Christ-like view point. In fact, Christ has looked into my mother’s eyes and told her, “You are forgiven.” He has told me several times, “She is forgiven.” But I refuse to forgive.
Who do I think that I am that I refuse to forgive?
“You have received free of charge; give free of charge.” – Matthew 10:8
I was forgiven for any harsh words I had said towards my mother in the past, I was forgiven of any horrible thoughts towards her, I was forgiven of any wrongful actions I did towards people in my past, so how dare I think I could withhold forgiveness from anyone?
It’s a battle I still fight, to think that I am right and have no need to forgive. With my team recently, I believed I was wronged, multiple times, and I held onto it. I wasn’t willing to forgive no matter how many times the people said, “I’m sorry.” I wasn’t going to accept it, they hurt me! And one day I was asking God, “If I forgive them once, how many more times am I going to have to forgive them for the same offense?” And God being the gracious God that He is, reminded me:
“‘I tell you, not as many as seven,’ Jesus said to him, ‘but 70 time 7” – Matthew 18:22
Flipping A God, are you serious? Do I really have to? Then He asked me, “How many times have I forgiven you for wronging my name? For not having enough faith in me?” Too many to count. I have a teammate that always tells us the story of her fighting with a girl month one. She had to stay back from ministry and the whole time she was telling God, “I know I’m right, I KNOW I’m right.” And God finally told her, “You’re correct, you were right in that situation.” Her response, “I knew it!” Then God told her, “But I was made wrong so you could be right.” Oh snap! That’s what’s happened to me in these situations, I know I was wronged, I KNOW it! And God’s response is, yes you were wronged, but I was wronged too, and I was wronged so that you being wronged would no longer count against those people.
So where do I go from here? I forgive, I swallow my pride and realize that I’ve wronged people too, and if I hope for forgiveness, I have to give forgiveness. I can not hold on the anger that I harbor, it has to be released.
GOD RESTORE TRUST IN ME!
