Entering into Month # 3, our team was praying for a month alone. Its's hard to get deep with six other people when there are other people to hang out with and get to know. But a month alone means a month of hiding NOTHING and if you have any issues, you have to share them with these peoplein particular.
The Lord answers prayers and we found out we would be alone – which excited everyone, especially me. Then something started to happen over our travel days, I started to draw into myself, extrovert me took on an introvert attitude. At first I thought it was from lack of sleep and all the travelling. Then we arrived in Nepal and stayed at a mission house with four other teams before heading to our actual ministy site. I was still feeling pretty down and introverted but only towards the four girls on my team. Then the itroversion became a dislike of them, I honestly wanted nothing to do with them. Since they were staying in one room and I was staying in another with girls from my squad, it was very easy to keep my distance and let the emotions build up against them.
The problem was, I didn't want to feel this way towards my teammates, but I was praying for a team change. I hated thinking this way, but I couldn't stop it. Every night and throughout the days I prayed for God to soften my heart, to open my eyes to the characteristics of these women that I adore, but my anger just grew stronger. This led to feelings of disconnect with my team and the idea that I didn't fit, the team would function better without me, that I was THE problem (sound familar? If not check out my previous blog)
I gradually began to realize that what was happening was spiritual. I was being pursued by demons and I felt so ashamed that I had fallen so easily into the lies they were whispering. But my shame pushed me even deeper into this because I started believing that I was weak, that I was pathetic, that I was the weak link of the entire squad and no one else would have broken so easily – they would have fought this and won! But here I was sinking deeper and deeper in this darkness with no idea of how to escape, even my prayers felt weak and unheard.
The girls on my team had noticed my negativity and decided to sit me down antalk to me about what was going on, but when you sit in front of four people tell you something up – no matter how nice they try to be – it feels like an attack. The idea that I was THE problem was pushed even further into me. I walked out and felt like a complete screw up at life. And then, for the first time in what felt like days, God revealed something to me. I had a cloud of demons circling my head and covering my ears and eyes. They were speaking lies to me, lies that were beginning to sound a lot like truth.
I spent the next day with my team out in the tourist district still feeling very shut off, but praying constantly for love. I think Satan knew he wouldn't keep me down if he continued to direct the anger at all four of the girls, so the lies began to fall specifically on one teammate. I believed if I talked to her, we would resolve the issue and move on. So that night we talked, but I was so covered with lies and shame that I just spit poison at her. The whole time, I knew it was poison, but I couldn't push the lies away.
The next morning , I woke up determined to be done with this sickness. We were leaving for our village that afternoon and I didn't want to spend my month in a spirit of hatred. Christ says,
"This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting"
Mark 9:29
so I decided to spend the day in prayer and fasting. We once again sat down together, this time as a whole team with our squad leaders. We were trying to work through the issue, but the issue wasn't something that could be talked through, no matter how hard my team tried. One of the squad leaders was able to relate to my feelings and it was the first time one of the lies was released – I wasn't weak, I wasn't the only one susceptible.
For the rest of the day, I was able to pray and release the lies little by little. That night, I felt like myself again, but I was still ashamed of how I'd acted towards my team. My teammate, Bri, sat down with me and spoke SO much life into me. She affirmed for me that I hadn't been myself, that they all knew that wasn't me. I am a woman of love and strength. Satan attacked me because he knows that I am the catalyst for depth on this team. She affirmed tha tI am not wak, but instead so full of power that Satan had to pull out all the tricks because of how frightened he is of the power of Christ within me. It was super humbling because I would nenver have described myself in these ways.
I woke up refreshed, feeling like I'd just won a battle.
"For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens."
Ephesian 6:12
But it wasn't all resolved, I had to breathe life back into the teammate I'd spit poison into. So I did, I apologized to my team and told them I wasn't living in the lies anymore.
That night we wrote down common lies spoken to us by demons and we spoke against them. The night before I could have written down two whole pages, but Christ had so relieved me of the lies that I could only think of a few. MOre than that, He reminded me of the wisdom and truth that He has placed into me. I was able to speak life into all of my teammates, I was able to call out so much greatness because THAT is who Christ has made me.
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, and new has come."
2 Corinthians 5:17
This is a verse my team leader has been speaking into me during the race and my team is speaking this truth into me constantly. I AM strength, I AM wisdom, I AM truth, not because of who I am, but because of who Christ is in me!
