Over these 8 months I’ve met a lot of women on this race and my heart is continuously broken by the stories they have to share. So many have been sexually active, abused physically, verbally and emotionally, have been taken advantage of by men and even women in their lives. I don’t understand how so many women who I know follow hard after God’s heart have been through these hurts and pains. Seriously three of the women on my current team of six have had sex and all three were at some point sexually abused, assaulted, or raped.
God, what is happening to the women of this generation that so many are being affected this way??
I’ve been reading a book called Captivating and it speaks a lot of truth into this situation. “Woman is the incarnation of the Beauty of God. More than anything else in creation, she embodies the glory of God. She allures the world to God…Women give birth, not men… she is a life giver…she gives life to the world.” (pg. 84)
We attract people to God by the beauty that we display!
This enrages Satan, who was an angel known for his beauty (Ezekiel 28:12-17). He is jealous of us and the beauty God has given us. He attacks our beauty and attempts to make us feel ugly. He wants us to see ourselves as just the beauty on the outside and not the beauty of God hidden within us (1 Peter 3:3-4). How does he do this? He encourages people to use our bodies, to see us only for what we can give physically, to take what they please and leave, to make us see ourselves only for what we can give away.
But God is bigger than that. He uses the situations that satan intends for evil and turns them to His glory. (Genesis 50:20) He uses the times that we were used, abused, and thrown aside to show us how precious we are to Him.
Satan attacked my beauty. He attacked my worth. He made me believe I could only have love if I gave of my body. He told me that no one wanted me for me because my personality wasn’t attractive. And I believed him…
I wear an “A” for ADULTRESS. It’s who I was. I gave my purity away a long time ago. In high school I let the first man touch me where only my husband should have because I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be noticed because the person I was wasn’t good enough for me. In college I only progressed. I gave more and more away believing that if I wanted a man to stay with me I had to keep “pleasing” him. I remember in one serious relationship I told the man I was with that I wanted to do something to “make him happy.”
He looked me straight in the eyes, “Madisson, what you do to me doesn’t make me happy. YOU make me happy.”
I was shocked, perplexed even. I pondered that thought many times. No man had EVER told me that before, no man had ever told me that just my presence made him happy. When things ended with this man, my first thought was, “I should have given him all of me and he would have stayed.”
This is what the world teaches us. I’ve seen affairs, I’ve seen women left because they were too fat, too skinny, too annoying. If a woman wants to keep a man, she needs to be sexy, alluring and pleasing.
After college, I met a man. Such a handsome man, I couldn’t believe it when I learned that HE was attracted to ME! I wasn’t pretty enough for him, I wasn’t funny enough for him, I wasn’t good enough for him, but he wanted me still. I tried to push him away because I was a Christian and he wasn’t. I needed to be equally yoked, I needed a man who was going to treat me respectfully and love me.
But this man PURSUED me. No one had ever pursued me unrelentingly.
I loved being wanted. I loved being desired. And I thought I was in control because he was asking and I was saying no. So I decided to let this man have a try, we began dating. We began fooling around and then I did what I never, ever, ever thought I would do with anyone but my husband.
I had sex.
Just writing that creates a sense in me of insecurity. A fear of the judgment that will follow my admission. Who at church has just decided that I’m not worthy of being a missionary or even a Christian? Who in my family has just lost all respect for me? Who of my friends no longer wants to come to me for advice or encouragement? Who is thinking right now that I’m filthy, a sinner?
Then I remember that it doesn’t matter, because I already felt all those things. I’ve already felt unworthy, I’ve already lost respect for myself, I’ve already felt undeserving of people’s confidence, I’ve already felt
FILTHY, DISGUSTING, ASHAMED.
For months, I felt a battle going on inside me. It was the closest I had ever felt God at this point in my walk. I knew that I was better than this, I knew that I was His daughter and He had called me to purity, but there was another voice inside saying that this is how I find love, that this man would leave me if I stopped, that he wouldn’t care about me anymore. I was torn, I was broken. Jesus was fighting Satan right inside of me, all around me, He was fighting when I didn’t know how to, when I couldn’t.
God had called me to a country across the world to preach the gospel and as the time drew closer and closer I felt more and more ashamed, like a liar. I could not possibly go ANYWHERE and tell people about Jesus when I didn’t follow His commands, when I was so disgusting. I was unworthy to share His gospel.
BUT GOD USES THE LEAST OF THESE
He redeemed me, He DID use me and He taught me the truth about His grace. A team of missionaries had been in this country for four years and never seen a single person come to know the love of Jesus. But while I was there I was able to minister to a young lady, to share the full gospel with her, to give her a Bible, and answer her questions. Three days after I left I received an e-mail saying she had come to know the Lord, she was no longer willing to make offerings to false gods, she would only follow Jesus!!
He used ME!! He used someone as screwed up, as filthy, as disgusting, as unworthy as me to lead another into His kingdom. I wanted to scream at Him,
“God did you forget what I did? I didn’t trust Your for love, I ran to a man, I gave my body to someone who I’m not married to! I’m a sinner! I’ve sinned against You.”
And He began to speak to me, “I already forgave you, now forgive yourself.” So I did. I began to forgive myself. I felt that enough time had been put between me and this sin that I could start being worthy again; I still didn’t fully understand the weight of His grace.
I went to work in a state about 9 hours from home after I returned from this mission trip. I thought it was going to be a great adventure and after coming from 4 months of rehabilitation from sex, the last thing I wanted to hear about was sex. However, the topic was everywhere. I was in a community where virginity was looked down upon and even made fun of. I had no Christian community, I had no real community and I started to sink slowly into a state of depression. I wanted nothing more than to leave this place, but I felt a responsibility to finish my commitment. God knew my state and provided a way for me to come home; He knew what He was about to teach me, but first, I took matters into my own hands. I decided to spend a night indulging in the fun of those around me and I got completely drunk.
I was sexually assaulted. A man forced himself on me.
I didn’t have sex, but still the shame came rushing back in an instant. I believed that I deserved what I got; it was my own fault because I had chosen to drink. I was unworthy of any respectable man anyways. No good, Christian man would ever want me anyways; I was only worth what my body would give.
I came home sitting in this, believing every word as truth. Then God swept in and for seven of the most miserable months of having to sit at home with no friends to escape to, God taught me about His grace. I would sit with Him for hours each day, not by choice, simply because I had nothing else to do. Then one day it was all of a sudden crystal clear…
God’s grace is immediate.
As soon as I sinned, I was released from it because He died taking it on Himself. He gave His life so that I could live for Him. I kept living in this shame believing that I needed to spend time in mourning before I could be fully forgiven, but that was only a lie of Satan. Satan wanted me to be completely focused on my shame and lack of worth, so much that I would become inactive. He wanted me to hold on to my shame so that I wouldn’t do what God asked me to do. God, however, had forgiven it the very instant it occurred. Because I am His child, because I have His Holy Spirit living inside of me, He had already pulled the sin out of me and it no longer existed to Him.
Grace is instantaneous. It doesn’t have a waiting period, it doesn’t have a timeline, it doesn’t have a process to get it. I once studied the language of Indonesia and they have a beautiful word there:
Dibebaskan
The direct translation is “Redeemed”, the breakdown goes like this…
Bebas = to free
Kan = to do for others
And my personal favorite…
Di = ALREADY DONE!
I had already been redeemed, but I didn’t believe it because there were lies being whispered in my ears. I was ashamed because I didn’t realize that the creator of the universe not only called me “pure”, but He even called me to be His Bride! I am worthy to be the bride of God, surely I am worthy of a good, Christian man.
Sometimes I feel like I need to say that I regret the decision I made that October night in 2009, but I don’t. I never will. God used it to not only teach me more about Himself, but to teach me more about who I am in Him. He allowed it to happen because now I can go to a prison full of women who have been prostitutes and tell them about how even Christians mess up. I can tell you that whatever sin you think you can’t be forgiven for, you already have been.
I dare you to look me in the eyes now. You won’t see shame. You’ll see the gratitude of redemption.
