Introduction
This summer, I reflect on how God has been directing my path and sharing with me each next step, really as a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. Second, I have seen Him move and transform my mind and heart so much. My prayers since the beginning of this year have been – God help me seek you more, learn and desire to know you, learn who you’ve created me to be, and allow these truths to transform my life. That this may bring freedom and trust in His faithfulness. And wow, He has been really answering that prayer.
In the past, my desire to plan and be in control led me to wanting to always be prepared. Quickly, I learned that you can’t always be prepared and that life comes with a lot of change. Somehow, I turned this lesson learned in high school to mean that I had to put all this pressure on myself to be as prepared as possible, extremely thorough in all decisions (out of fear of making the “wrong” decision) and placed huge expectations on myself to do this all by myself. As a result of taking time to stop and pause this summer, I’ve been able to acknowledge some deep bitterness that I’ve stuffed away and experience God’s healing.
Deeper Look into Bitterness
Bitterness: defined
- sharpness of taste; lack of sweetness
- anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment1
Sometimes bitterness seeps in with our desire for belonging. Looking for a place to feel safe, to call home. Looking for people to share the highs and lows of life with, to not just see the outside but the person behind the mask.
Other times it exists and grows due to disappointment. Whether life doesn’t turn out the way you planned it or people in your life aren’t fulfilling their roles given or the expectations put upon them.
It can also build over time as you see others choosing not to change. This could be not changing bad habits or not choosing to take steps forward.
Finally, bitterness can arise when grieving or mourning a loss whether relational or physical. There can be a lacking feeling associated with this.
Sometimes words fail to express everything we are feeling and thinking. Other times words fail to express the severity and seriousness of the lack that we are experiencing. Often, we don’t even know where to start. The words we do have we are unable to speak being different worlds apart from the ones we’d wish to speak them to.2
What God has been Teaching Me
God has been on the move in many areas of my hidden bitterness. He has answered my prayer in teaching me how powerful prayer can be when you decide to actually make it part of every day and a prioritized piece of life. I’ve seen how God answers prayer in the small, mundane times as well as the overwhelming, chaotic ones. Seeing His faithfulness has brought me so much hope and trust as He has made His presence and work more known to me this year. In my life I’ve seen and experienced God giving me His hope when all has felt lost; His purpose in the midst of depression; His peace in the midst of chaos; and His joy in the midst of sorrow and grief.
This summer, I have started to see a sense of belonging again in places once filled with feelings of lost, unknown, and bitterness. This has been moments of new friendships, renewed family laughter and support, and overall peace as I continue to seek Him. I’ve experienced His presence and truth as He is showing me each day something new, and I learn to surrender and live in the freedom He gives – handing over my plans and expectations and instead receiving His strength, joy, peace, freedom, and love. I have hope that He is going to continue to move in the mountains of life and in the valleys of life. That He is faithful and able – He is completely capable of moving those mountains that continue to exist just as much as He is able and cares about moving through the day to day moments of life. These recently acknowledged truths have brought a whole lot of healing and peace to each new day.
As I have acknowledged my inner bitterness, I realized how blinded I was from the hope and comfort I had in Jesus Christ. This affected my ability to experience His joy, strength, and peace at times. One of my devotions writes this beautifully,
“[Hope] helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you … Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see … the road we’re traveling together … When you consider this … the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant.”3
God has so much more life for me to experience through His healing. He is starting to teach me more about how He wants me to dream and what that means in experiencing His freedom as I trust in Him.
Love and Learning in Action
Jesus calls us to love God and love others.4 In acknowledging my bitterness, leaning on Jesus in the pain and experiencing His healing and peace, I can live more in the present as I learn what this looks like day to day. Paul talks about loving in action in Romans 12 as he shares, “be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”.5 Through consistent prayer and communication with the Lord, I have been able to better understand what it means and looks like to seek Him, know Him, know myself, and become more like Jesus.
By no means am I finished learning and growing. I believe God is going to continue to mold and shape me as I follow the examples He has in His Word. I have been reading through the Old Testament and recently finished the book of 1 Samuel. In this book, God has been teaching me a lot through details and relationships that I have never noticed before. It is encouraging to see how God moved in the day to day as well as the big mountainous moments.6 He indeed is so faithful.
Overall Reflection
God has been teaching me so much this summer about who He is and who He has created me to be – practically how to live more in the present and the importance of gratitude. We have access to so much peace and freedom through following Him.
Such a great reminder of daily prayer and communication with the Lord as we seek to love God and love others well on this Earth:
“Always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God.“ 7
Worship Songs
My Defender – by Jeremy Camp
Cast My Cares – by Finding Favour
Broken Hallelujah – by Mandisa
Ever Be – Aaron Shust
Good Good Father – Chris Tomlin
Sources
1 – Dictionary.com
2 – Dear Evan Hansen lyrics to Words Fail
3 – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, page 218 (July 27)
4 – Matthew 22:34-40
5 – Romans 12:12, NIV
6 – 1 Samuel (through the lives of Hannah, Samuel, Saul, David, Jonathan, and Abigail)
7 – Pinterest quote
