Month six of my race was really difficult for me. Don’t get me wrong, the ministry, the people, and the country were all beautiful, but I let my flesh and my emotions control me. My prayer times looked something like this…
God, I am so over this whole trip. I’m tired of freezing cold showers, I’m over saying hard ‘good-byes’, and I’m mostly done with eating rice for every meal. I’m tired of being a missionary.
I felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling. In the midst of this dry season, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Going home was never an option, because I knew I had committed an entire eleven months to the Lord for a reason, so I made up my mind that I would just start looking to the future. I thought that if I started making post-race plans that I would gain some momentum. I started by making a list of things I wanted to do after the race.
– Teach For America
– Go back to Grad School
– Child Protective Services
Each thing on the list was completely doable. I looked over the list and thought, “Finally, I won’t be depending on anyone other than myself for money, for bills, for food, or for lodging. I’ll start a career and I’ll be able to ‘settle down’. This is going to be good!” After making this list of my desires, I took a moment to quickly pray…
God, here’s a list. Which one of them is your will for me?
He responded with a thick silence.
A few days later I was reading in Genesis about God’s promise of Isaac to Abraham. I felt God speak clearly to me for one of the first times that month.
Madie, I want to give you Isaacs. If you do things on your own, apart from me, you are going to create Ishmaels.
Okay that’s awesome God… so which thing on my list is an Isaac?
After this conversation I completely forgot about God’s words to me. Later in that month, God called me higher and He called me out of the selfish thinking I had been stuck in. He gave me a new perspective and fresh energy through His Holy Spirit.
The next month in Nicaragua, God taught me a ton about His promises and His faithfulness. I continued reading in Genesis about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He taught me about obedience and about dependence. My times spent alone with God in Nicaragua were fruitful and filling.
My wonderful mentor called me for our bi-monthly check in and she asked if I had began to plan anything for after the race. I told her about my list and told her I was still waiting for an answer from God.
“Okay Madie, I want you to pray about squad leading.”
(Side note: There are roughly 50 people currently on my squad traveling from country to country with me. Our alumni ‘squad leaders’ are former world racers who traveled with us for the first five months, teaching us, discipling us, and walking us through this journey that is the World Race.)
I laughed, “I mean I thought about applying to squad lead once or twice before, but I decided it was impossible. I can’t do that.”
She responded, “Well, why not?”
“Well for starters it financially doesn’t make sense. I have bills and loans. I need to get a job, and I need to be financially stable. Plus I have a list of things I want to do, so I think I’ll stick to that.”
She paused, “I never make decisions based on finances… Just pray about it and see what God says.”
After this phone call, I could not shake the thought of squad leading. I immediately went to God.
God, this is crazy. I can’t do this. I can’t afford this. This doesn’t make sense on any level.
Madie, I want to give you Isaacs.
Yeah, but we have a list! We have a list of things, remember?! They’re all really great things. Can’t we choose from the list what to do after the race?
You have a list. I have something better for you.
Feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, I called my nana (who is often my voice of reason in big decision making). I told her about my previous conversation with my mentor and I told her what squad leading would entail.
She responded and said, “Well you have to let God lead. Madie, whatever is birthed in the flesh must be maintained in the flesh – whatever is birthed in the Spirit must be maintained in the Spirit… You know, like Isaac and Ishmael.”
My jaw dropped, “Nana. God has been telling me He wants to give me Isaacs.”
Fine God. If this is what you really want for me, I need you to confirm it one more time. I need you to confirm it through Morgan (one of my great friends on the race).
I went to Morgan and asked her to do listening prayer (essentially to ask God if He had anything to say regarding me). She gladly accepted and went to pray with no details.
She came back and said, “Madie, I have no clue what any of this means but God said to tell you, ‘Yes,’ He said to tell you that you are coming back, and He gave me a vision of you surrounded by dark haired children.”
My face dropped and I started laughing.
God, You for real want me to do this?
Since these events have occurred, God has continued to confirm His will for me. Out of obedience, I applied and interviewed to squad lead. I lived in denial for a few weeks, thinking God only wanted me to be obedient in applying.
God, I still think this is crazy. I still think I need to get a job and earn money. I still don’t really think this whole missionary life is for me, but I know that your will is better. I know your ways are higher. I know that this is what real dependence looks like.
God began to show me that my list was ‘doable’ without Him. I could easily accomplish all of those things on my own – they are all currently Ishmaels. Squad leading, however, requires complete dependence on God and His faithfulness.
Okay, God. Let’s do this thing.
If I would have chosen to pursue the Ishmaels, I know God would have blessed them and He would have still loved me the same. However, I am choosing to pursue God’s will because I desire full dependence on God. Two weeks ago, I was accepted for the squad leading position, and I will be leaving in October 2017! I will partner with two other former world racers and together with the Holy Spirit, we will lead a group of missionaries around the world for five months.
I want to thank all of you who have loved me and supported me (both in prayer and financially) on this eleven month journey. I cannot express the amount of gratitude I feel. I have learned over the last nine months that being in the will of God is the scariest place to be, but I would not want to be anywhere else!
For these five months, I will be raising money to fund my trip and I will also be raising support to help with my personal monthly bills. If you would like to financially support my trip there are a few ways you can do so:
To donate to me personally (to help with bills, transportation, and food costs) you can mail tax-deductible checks to New Life Church at:
P.O. Box 1996
Cullman, AL 35056
(Make checks to ‘NLC‘ and put ‘Madison Goodwin’ in the memo line)
OR
You can donate directly to my PayPal – my email is [email protected]
To donate directly to my trip:
Click the ‘Donate!’ button at the top of this page
As I begin to step into this next season of saying, “Yes” to all God has for me, I ask that you would lift me up in your prayers. I know God will provide, as always. I love you all and I am so blessed by all the love and support I have continually felt!
