There’s been a war in my heart and in my head lately. A war between loving every second of the life I’m living and simultaneously wanting it to be so different. A war between cherishing this sweet season I’m in but also counting down the days until the next season. A war between prioritizing what is easy and prioritizing what is worth it. A war between settling for “good enough” and fighting hard to build the Kingdom. With this war comes a lot of anxiety. Most of you know this transition to Cambodia has been sooo freaking hard, so bear with me if this is redundant.
Throughout the past two weeks, I’ve been in a never ending cycle of different anxieties and lies that creep their way in and try to wedge themselves right in between me and my Father, trying to create a gap between what my heart needs and what He has to offer me.
First I get anxious about our load here, then I get anxious that I’m not a good enough missionary because I need more rest than it seems like I should, then I get worried that if I’m real and vulnerable and talk about these things no one will support me in future ministries, then I get anxious that I am actually not cut out for this at all and I should just quit, then I get all worked up because I know that’s actually not true because God called me here, then I get worried about endless other things! My goodness it’s exhausting but thankfully this week God has been teaching me I actually don’t have to live in this cycle.
God wants to give me peace! He actually wants me to be able to serve Him and have peace while doing it. There is no anxiety in the Kingdom of Heaven, and thanks to Jesus the Kingdom of Heaven is inside me and I get to choose to live in freedom and peace! He took me through a journey of a bunch of gentle reminders of this this week. One thing I love about God is that His patience is endless and He is neeevvver a God of shame. He never thinks “my goodness Madison, why don’t you have it figured out yet?” That’s not who He is. He is love. He is patient. He is kind. He keeps no record of wrongs.
Anywho, back to God reminding me He wants to give me peace! It started one wednesday night. We have something called Zion Night of Worship. We just sing and pray and get filled up after pouring out so much. At the end, our hosts, Pastor Ronald and Pastor Cynthia wanted to pray over all 11 of us. We stood in a circle and they prayed over us as a group. Mid prayer Pastor Ronald laid His hand on me and said “Be still. God wants to take your anxieties, you fears, and give you peace. Be still and know that He is God.” Wow that was so good to hear because that day I actually stayed home all day and called my parents telling them I didn’t know if I could handle it anymore – I was filled with anxiety and wanted to go home so badly. But God was telling me otherwise – He is God and He is in control. All I need is to be still. Thank you Jesus.
The rest of the week went better but throughout the weekend and early next week I began to be filled with worries again. A friend of mine from Guatemala reached out and asked how I was doing. I told him the truth and said I’m struggling, I miss Guatemala, but I am praying for God to reveal to me why I’m here and that I trust He’ll show me. He responded telling me that two days earlier God told Him to pray for me – specifically pray for me to have peace. He didn’t reach out because it made Him uncomfortable, but when I told him what I’ve been struggling with we were both thinking wwooowww how cool that God put it on his heart to pray for me to have peace!!
That night, I went to sleep as normal. I haven’t been remembering my dreams as much lately but this specific night I dreamt about my team and I being assigned to preach and not knowing what to preach about. I woke up a few hours later to the song “Peace be still” stuck in my head forevvvveeerrr. I got up to spend time with the Lord in the Word. I didn’t know what to read so I asked God what I should read. He reminded me “remember that dream? Remember what you ended up choosing to preach on?” I thought back and was like oh yeah!!! I suggested (in my dream) that we preach on Romans 5. So thennnn I was like okay God I have no idea what Romans 5 is but I’ll go read it. I turned to Romans 5 and read the subtitle: “Peace with God Through Faith”. Ha ha ok I get it God! You wanna give me peace!!!
Since then, there have still be countless more times that He’s gently reminded me the free gifts I get from Him. He wants me to have peace but He won’t force it upon me. It’s there when I ask for it though. I love that free will is never compromised with God – I’m not running around being forced into anything – even the Good things. He won’t force His peace on me in order to shut me up, He waits patiently until I lay my worries and anxieties at His feet and pick up peace in place of it.
This isn’t something that’s one and done. It’s a daily, constant decision to abide in Jesus. Come to Him all who are weary! He will give you rest! His yoke is easy and His burden in light folks!
“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love had been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:1-5
