When I left for the race there was only one thing I knew for sure: I was so afraid of saying goodbye because I was going to miss the heck out of my family. What I didn’t anticipate was that I was about to face many more goodbyes, that are in fact much harder than any goodbye at home. At home you know you’ll see them again; here I say goodbye not knowing if/when I’ll see them again. I didn’t anticipate that God would grow deep connections and friendships in not one, not two, not three, but four different countries. I didn’t anticipate that I’d have my second parents in Ecuador, another dad in Peru, a best friend in Guatemala, and a Filipino brother and sister both in Cambodia.
The best part of the race has been the people I’ve met and getting to see God work in their lives. That’s also been the hardest part because it’s really hard to invest in people’s lives knowing you’re leaving in just 1-3 months. And to make it even harder, it’s not just the 6 life-changing people I referenced before. It’s also my sixth grade class in Guatemala, the woman who rubbed my back every Thursday and the senior home in Ecuador, Nine & Sna – the starbucks baristas in Cambodia, the man who I welcomed into a party and got saved in Peru, the first woman I ever saw get healed in Guatemala, the woman who makes mango smoothies in Cambodia, and all the other countless people who I had the honor of meeting throughout the past nine months. Whether it was 5 minutes or back to back weeks of interaction, there are many more people who I count as a blessing when I look back on the race.
When I got to Guatemala I wondered, “Is this even fair? This freaking sucks. Why do I continue to pour love into people knowing I’m leaving? Is it worth it? To them? To me? Is it fair to either one of us?” I wrestled with it for a bit but eventually got caught up in ministry and in the thick of loving people and not really caring whether or not it’s worth it. Then the end of Guatemala came. Guatemala was the country where I experienced the most relationships and connection. I had four sixth grade classes, I was plugged into a church, I had a few new close friends, and we had relationships with multiple families from the village. I also saw someone get healed for the first time and multiple people after that. I prayed for strangers on the sidewalk and I got to share the gospel with police officers who ended up getting saved. All of these people hold such a special place in my heart.
At the end of Guatemala, I was in the midst of all the goodbyes and I felt broken. I literally felt like I couldn’t handle the reality of leaving, and that lasted through the beginning of Cambodia and made the transition extremely difficult. But in the midst of all that heartache and emotional turmoil, it clicked. Everything was worth it. This isn’t about me. It was never meant to be about me – it’s about Jesus and about His children and His relentless pursuit of them. He desires to move in these peoples lives and I have the honor of being used as a vessel. I am thankful for it even when it hurts. He used me to be a vessel to heal people – to tell them that He is a good good Father and He can and will heal. He used me to deliver the message of the gospel, aka the best news ever, to people who had never heard it. To tell people that He gave His life because of how much He loved them! I think of Hillsong United’s song “So Will I.” One of the lyrics says
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them so will I
Like You would again a hundred billion times.
It was not easy for Jesus to give His life for us. He wanted any other way but ultimately He knew the cost and decided we were worthy enough to Him. So I say: so will I. I will love people when it hurts. I will do things that make me uncomfortable. I will cry my entire ride to the last day of ministry knowing that it’s still one more opportunity for people to experience the Father’s love. I will do my best to speak a language I don’t know to show you you’re valued and worthy of attention because that’s what Jesus would do.
Even if only one person was healed. Even if only one person felt the presence of the spirit when we prayed over them. Even if only one person got to rejoice in the good news of the gospel. It’s worth it. Every tear-filled goodbye, every last squeeze, every ounce of longing – it’s worth it because Jesus called me here and Jesus died for them. And with the sadness and heartache comes perspective, freedom, and love. I’m filled with joy because of all the people I’ve met this year. I don’t count it as a loss because I know I’m fuller and richer because of all the experiences and relationships I got to be a part of.
