I’m sure you know that this is my first post since January and I cannot count the number of times I’ve sat down with my laptop wanting to come up with some beautiful, poetic, joyful, piece of writing to describe my life and the journey of preparing for a nine month adventure.
I also cannot count the number of times I opened up my laptop, only to aggressively shut it minutes later because I’m too overwhelmed and nauseas about the fact I’m leaving my family, my friends, my home and all that I’ve known for 9 months.
9 whole months. Good golly. That’s a very long time.
Since my last post in January life has been so good. I graduated high school. I’ve been rafting. I’ve been hiking and camping. I’ve been spending as much time as I can with all the people I love. I’ve been living the life of a happy, nearly responsibility free 18 year old and it’s been some of the best months of my life so far.
While the launch countdown was looming over my head I chose to pretend it wasn’t there. I just tucked it in my back pocket so I didn’t have to face the emotions that came when I started thinking about leaving everyone I love and calling somewhere other than Colorado my home. If I never truly acknowledged it then it couldn’t actually be something that was happening soon, it was something that would happen eventually but was too far away to actually have to stress about… Right?
I was able to think that way until I was sitting in a sea of tables hundreds of miles from home, surrounded by people all leaving the country to go love, serve, live and travel for 9 months just like me. Suddenly there was no more hiding. I was at training camp. Launch date was real. There was no denying what I was doing anymore.
It hit me like a freight train. Not just once but repeatedly over the course of training camp. Sometimes it was when I was by myself, or when I was surrounded my strangers in a session, or when I was walking with my teammates back to camp, or even when I was in the sweltering hot port-a-potty.
Suddenly, I was swallowed by doubt.
This is a 10-day long training camp and I’d do just about anything to be home right now, how on earth will I make it 9 months?
My faith isn’t near as strong as those people, how am I going to be good enough to actually serve people well?
All I can think about is what I am going to do when I get home and the first meal I’m going to eat, how am I going to stay present while on the field?
My mind was literally swimming with statements that not only made me doubt myself but also made me doubt God and the plan laid out for me. Everyone else at this dang training camp seemed like they had no doubts and no worries. But here I was, almost wishing I had never even signed up for this thing in the first place.
But then I finally voiced my feelings to one of my teammates. I poured my heart out.
There were lots of tears… So many tears.
When I was done, she just looked at me and explained that she knew how I felt because that was exactly how she was feeling. Instantly it was like this wash of relief over me. I wasn’t alone. I continued through the week, walking in the understanding that this whole thing is a process. It’s okay to not be a perfect Christian. It’s okay to not be 100%. It’s okay to go into a session and come out shaken and maybe even a little doubtful about my own abilities. God is so much greater than anything I could ever think about myself and because of this all my worries and doubts will eventually be calmed.
While the uneasiness never really went away, turning to my teammates and God with my struggles no longer seemed so impossible and hard. I started to understand that this doubt wasn’t something God was doing, God is a good God and sometimes pursuing him is really hard and painful but that’s okay.
I’m home now and when people ask me about training camp I tell them that it was incredibly emotionally and spiritually hard but it was also so, so good. The uneasiness is still there and I have yet to overcome the fear I feel whenever I start thinking about leaving home, but I feel comforted that my God is a good God and despite my emotions and the way I feel, he overcomes and is greater.
This is a big change, processing that takes time. It’s never going to feel perfect because change is uncomfortable but it also makes so much good.
I’m so happy I get to journey through this crazy change and share struggles with my 5 teammates, Emma Dollyhigh, Amanda Hopkins, Payson Rigsbee, Zahli Hayden, and Laura Richardson. They are some amazing, beautiful, people loving, God fearing women and I look forward to sharing our adventures with all you readers in the future. If you are supporting me, either through prayer or financially it is greatly appreciated!
