Before I ever left for the World Race, I had many people ask me what I was going to do after the race. Literally every time, I would respond with, “I have no idea!” This remained my response for the majority of my race.
Month seven I began to pray about it, asking the Lord to reveal to me what or where He was calling me to, after the race. For the next two months, I got no answer. I kept hearing the Lord telling me to stay focused and remain present where I was. So that’s what I tried to do.
Fast-forward to month eight debrief, my team and I sat down with our squad mentor and squad leaders, to talk about how we had been doing individually and as a team. Shortly after our debrief, TT (squad mentor), Madie (squad leader), and Julie (squad leader), all came up to me and asked if they could pull me aside because they had something to tell me.
*insert heart beating out of chest*
They all three looked at me, with huge smiles on their faces and with excitement in their voices, they said, “At the same time, we all three heard squad lead for you, from the Lord.”
…
To be completely honest, I wanted to cry. Squad leading was the farthest thing from what I wanted to do with my life after the race.
My response was: No. I think you all three heard wrong. I’m not doing that. But thank you for telling me.
I’m sure you all are wondering what in the world squad leading is so let me tell you!
Basically, what a squad leader does is discipleship. Their ministry is the people that are on the world race.
Leadership asked me to take it to the Lord and pray about it.
Over the next month, I refused to sit with the Lord and actually ask Him if squad leading was what He was calling me to do. I was afraid of what His answer would be. Truth be known, I didn’t want to hear what He had to say about it.
Towards the end of month nine, I finally prayed about it a little bit, and decided that I didn’t feel like this was what the Lord was calling me to do right after the race. I told my squads mentor that and told her maybe in the future. Her response was: okay great. 🙂
Me: WHEW. I’m glad that’s over with.
Week one in Haiti, we were worshipping together as a team, and I felt the Lord asking me to sit with Him about squad leading again. But this time, ask Him what HE WANTED me to do after the race, instead of telling Him what I DON’T want to do.
Ouch. That one hurt a little bit.
I began to cry. And with tears running down my face, I walked away from the team and went and sat on the rooftop by myself. Just Jesus and me.
I poured my heart out to my Father. I cried and cried and cried. I told Him that I was exhausted and I didn’t want to go back out on the field for another five months to squad lead. I told Him how I just wanted to go home, get a job, make money, live on my own, and get back into a routine. I told Him that I wanted to live a comfortable life. Even though I knew deep down in my heart, that’s not the kind of life I truly want to live. It never has been. But I was hurting and scared and I wanted what I thought would be the most comfortable.
It was in this moment, that the Lord met me in my mess, and reminded me of Galatians 2:20 which says, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
I was reminded that this is no longer my life to live. I’m not on this earth to live a comfortable life. As a child of God, I’m here on this earth to “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you” Matthew 28:19-20. That’s my sole purpose, to live out the Great Commission.
Once I allowed Jesus to realign my heart with His Will, I was able to sit in His presence and ask Him what He wanted me to do after the race, with a heart that desired to hear what He had to say to me.
And so I did just that. I asked Him if He was calling me to squad lead after the race.
I sat and listened. I heard Him say: I’ve called you to the nations. Squad lead in January.
…
I sobbed.
I told Jesus that I didn’t want to do it.
I heard Him say with gentleness,
“You can go home after the race and get a job and live a comfortable life.”
OR
“You can choose to trust me. To take a leap of faith into the uncomfortable and the unknown. To be obedient to where I’m calling you. And to follow me.”
“I’m a gentleman. I’m not going to force you to follow me. You have a choice. But I am asking you to trust that my plans for your life are better than any you could ever come up with on your own.”
…
Wow. All I could muster up to say was four little words: I trust you Jesus.
It still wasn’t what I wanted to do, but it came down to a pride issue. I needed to surrender my life to Him all over again. Luke 9:23-24 says, “And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” I repeated that verse over and over and surrendered everything at the feet of Jesus. I asked Him to help me to take up my cross and to follow Him. Whatever that looked like.
I told Jesus that if squad leading in January was really what He was calling me to, then to please give me some kind of confirmation (as if hearing His voice isn’t enough).
A few hours later I got a message from TT, our squad mentor, that read: “Okay….Madison…I would like you to pray about SQLing for me…TT…in January. That’s the future right? :)”
OK. WOW GOD. I SEE YOU. Yes. My answer is YES.
So, what does all of that mean, you may be asking?
I’m still in the application process, so I haven’t officially been accepted yet, but as the Lord permits, this means that in January I will be leaving again for five months, to squad lead for another World Race 11n11 squad!!! I AM SO EXCITED to go back out on the field, to travel, and to spread the Gospel to more nations!
Recklessly,
Madison
P.S. I got home from the Race two days ago!! It’s been a bittersweet and pretty surreal feeling saying goodbye to 43 people who became my family over the past 11 months, & then saying hello to my family and friends again for the first time in 11 months. A lot of emotions, to say the least. If you could all join me in praying for my heart as I process being home and what life in America looks like for me now.
Thank you all so much!
