I want to start this blog with a quote that I recently read:
“Say yes to God more often.
Yes it will lead you to places
outside your comfort zone but
it will also lead you to places of
freedom, healing, and growth.
Saying yes is scary, but saying no
is a waste. I’d rather be scared
where God is calling me than be
comfortable where He isn’t.”
I have some really exciting news to share with you all…
I WILL BE STAYING THE ENTIRE 11 MONTHS WITH S SQUAD!!!
Jesus has been preparing me for this for a long time. 8 months to be exact. He spoke through multiple people in order to prepare my heart for what He was going to invite me into. I want to share those moments with you all, because they were divine appointments from the Lord. So, month 10 of my Race, in Haiti, when I said ‘yes’ to squad leading, I immediately felt in my spirit that I would stay for the entire 11 months. I quickly ignored that feeling because I thought there was no way the Lord was going to ask me to stay for the entire time. During month 11, a couple of people from my squad jokingly said that I was going to squad lead for the entire 11 months, and I would laugh it off and say that there was no way. A couple months after being home, I was on a phone call with my other squad leaders and Brit said that she felt like one of us four were going to stay the entire 11 months, but felt like it was either going to be me or her for some reason. She started talking about and wondering what Teresa, our squad mentor, would think about only one of us staying for the whole time and if that was even possible. Then she said, “For some reason I really feel like it will be you Madison, I don’t know why, but I’ll pray and ask Holy Spirit more about it.” After this conversation with my other squad leaders, there were two different times that I wanted to talk to Teresa and see if she was sensing anything from the Lord about it, but I heard Holy Spirit keep telling me not to say anything. Right before launch, I got to talk to one of my friends from my race, and she asked me if the Lord had told me that I was going to stay the entire 11 months or if Teresa had asked me to stay the entire time, yet. My response was, “No, but that’s funny that you ask me that because it seems to keep coming up.” Christmas Eve I was talking to my cousin and she was asking me how long I would be squad leading for and I told her five months but that me squad leading for the entire 11 months keeps coming up and she said, “Yeah I can see you staying the entire 11 months. For some reason I just feel like you will.” I laughed and blew off every single one of these instances, even though I could feel something stirring in my spirit every single time that it came up in conversation. Teresa was with us in Colombia all of month one, and about two weeks ago she came up to me and asked me if she could talk to me. I sat down with her and she started asking me if I had any plans for after squad leading or if the Lord had spoke to me about anything for after the five months. I told her no and immediately said that I knew what she was about to ask me. She started laughing and said, “Oh what do you think it is?” My response was, “No you say it first. I don’t want to just in case it’s something different.” She said, “Ok so during my quiet time four days ago the Lord spoke to me and said, ‘Madison is going to stay the entire 11 months and she already knows.”
Y’all.
…
I can’t. The Lord, dude. He’s crazy cool. He spoke it directly to my mentor without me bringing it up to her. And He prepared my heart for months. He knew it would be a not so easy ‘yes’ right away. I laughed when she told me that and then I told her about all of the instances that people had spoken it over me or have asked me about it. Then I ran into my room and fell face down on my bed and cried. In that very moment, the Lord began teaching me about what it means to truly count the cost. And what it means to truly live what I believe. And what it means to choose to follow Jesus season after season after season.
I want to let you in the best that I can, when it comes to putting words to the battle that was happening on the inside and what I mean by counting the cost.
One of my best friends from my Race is getting married at the end of July. I’ve been planning on going to this wedding long before he ever proposed to her, which was right after we got home from our Race. All I could think about was if I say yes to what the Lord is inviting me into, then I have to say no to going to his wedding. That was really hard for me. All I want is to be there on their wedding day to celebrate them in person! Not to mention that so many of my friends from my squad are going to be there and I don’t want to have to miss out on the reunion and the chance to get to see everyone.
Also, the day after I had this conversation with Teresa, I got a call from home with some really exciting family news, but that I was going to be missing out on if I said yes to the Lord.
It was a really hard two weeks with a lot of tears. It was like there was a wrestling match happening between my flesh and my spirit. In my spirit, I knew that I wouldn’t be going home after five months. I knew that I would stay the entire 11 months and I felt so much joy, peace, and excitement. But in my flesh, I felt so much heartache, sadness, and FOMO (fear of missing out). I went back and forth with the Lord for days. I had to choose surrender day after day, over and over again. I was journaling one day and I was pouring my heart out to the Lord about how much I didn’t want to have to miss these two big events that would be taking place while I wasn’t home, and I heard His voice say, “It’s going to be ok. Trust Me.” In that moment I realized that I trusted Him with these first five months, but I didn’t trust Him with the six months after. Woah. That began a journey of laying my life down at His feet all over again, morning after morning, and choosing to trust Him even when I don’t understand, even when it doesn’t make sense, even when my heart hurts, even when I can’t see the bigger picture, even when it’s hard and painful. I had to choose to trust that He IS good and He IS faithful. No matter what. It’s who He is. And my lack of trust doesn’t change that about Him. This journey looked like night after night, during debrief, falling on my knees during worship and crying at the feet of Jesus, begging Him to align my heart with His Will once again and to shift my perspective. Choosing to surrender all of my personal wants and desires, knowing with everything in me that He’s the giver of good gifts. And that’s exactly what this is, the Lord, in all of His goodness and wonder, inviting me to receive the gift of getting to stay the entire 11 months.
The second to last night of debrief, I heard the Lord’s voice say ‘yes’, and in beautiful surrender I walked up to TT and gave her my ‘yes’. There are so many more details throughout the two weeks leading up to my obedience and surrender, but it’s too many to write out in a blog Know that the Lord sought my heart out with His gentleness and love. I’m completely swept right now writing this out; with how patient the Father is with us.
I’m super ecstatic to announce, that though it was a process, my soul and spirit are aligned with His Will and I feel a supernatural peace that’s been flooding me for days now. I truly can’t believe that I get to walk this journey, with 39 humans whom I love with a kind of love that you can’t really put words to, for the entire 11 months!!!
Thank You Jesus.
If you’ve made it this far reading my blog please know that I’m thankful and you’re dearly loved!
Of course there is more fundraising to be had, but for now I would love just to celebrate the truth of who God is: That my fears and doubts don’t scare Him. He’s patient. He’s gentle. He’s loving. He pursues our hearts. He’s in the details. And there’s more freedom, healing, and growth to be had in these next 10 months!
I want to leave you all with lyrics from the song “Follow You Anywhere” by Passion, that I’ve been listening to on repeat for weeks now. They’re truly the cry of my heart.
“I’ll follow You anywhere
Wherever You lead me
Whatever it costs me
All I want is You
Jesus, all I want is You
You are the refuge I run to
You are the fire that leads me through the night
I’ll follow You anywhere
There’s a million reasons to trust You
Nothing to fear for You are by my side
I’ll follow You anywhere”
With love and joyful obedience,
Mads
