Before I begin this blog here is a little background. Every night we have team time also know as “tea time” where we say our highs and lows that happened to us and we give affirming feedback and we give constructive feedback or “kingdom building”. I usually have very vague answers and they are pretty much the same thing every day. Well today one of my squad leaders, Katie, talked to me one on one for a long time. She surprisingly got a lot out of me. Although I am very good at talking to people one on one but not so much in group settings, especially when I barely know the group. Katie encouraged me to let the group know how I had been feeling lately. So extremely hesitantly, I did.
For some reason I have been very unlike me or how I used to be. I have been hurt by “friends”, ex’s, people in general, just like everyone else, so it can create a sort of wall when it comes to talking to people. Picture this, I am standing inside a brick wall, it is circular and it goes all the way around me and goes all the way to my eye level just so I can see over the top. This wall is made of brick so it is strong enough to just stay there and stand there but there is no morder on this wall, making it somewhat easy to take it down. I bring this wall with me everywhere I go making it difficult for people to see me. I learn some things about you and you learn some things about me so the first three rows of bricks come down. There are very few people in my life that can look at me and see absolutely no wall at all. Well this trip is about not just getting the wall low enough to where I can manage to step over it but literally shoving this wall hard to the ground and then pushing the bricks away from where I am standing. Being open. Being vulnerable. Learning that these people are good and they care for me and Im not the only one who has this wall to take down.
Alright enough with the wall. You get where I am coming from. I opened up tonight and decided to let my team know where I was at with my feelings and where I am at with God. And what do you know? The coolest thing happened. They accepted me and loved me and one teammate spoke up saying that she was glad I spoke up because she feels the same as me. The team asked me what they could do to help me and make me feel better and then they came around me, laid there hands on me and began to pray for me.
I have been struggling with seeing/hearing God for a few months now. I had some expectations for this trip. Bad idea. What I want to happen is different than what God wants to happen. Its what I want to see vs. what God wants me to see. I have to let go and let God. I need to get rid of these “expectations” just like I have to let go of my cozy brick wall. Katie, (squad leader), described it to me as if I had lenses on that were to small. My lenses are much smaller than Gods. The things I want to see may not be what God has planned for me to see. He can see much more. I imagined it as if I was wearing like these little tiny american girl doll glasses. They don’t really fit my head, the eye parts are to close together, and they don’t even really line up with my eyes. Every once in a while I may be able to tilt my head and see a beautiful flower or something but that is kinda hard. But if I put on some big lenses and allow God to share them with me I can see much clearer. I can see what He had planned and what He wants me to see.
Ive been trying to find the Good in things but I should be trying to find The God in things.
Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
(Psalm 13)
