Yes my title is a spongebob reference. But you’ll see why.
Since the beginning of the race I had it on my heart to cut my hair. I would have never actually followed through with it because me and the people around me both put so much value into my hair.
Since I was a little kid people had always told me that my hair was so beautiful and that they would die to have it just because it was long and naturally blonde. I took that as, my hair is the most beautiful thing about me. I believed that if I ever cut it off, die it, or do anything to it, I would lose the most beautiful thing about me.
In the first week of being in Ethiopia, God had kept giving me signs that it was time to give it up. But I refused. At one point in the night I walked over to a few of my friends Kay, Kayla, and Amber and my hair was full of tangles because I always hated brushing it. So Kae randomly brought up how she could brush my hair out for me, and then all of the girls started talking to me about how I would look really good with short hair. The entire time I was just thinking, “Really God? No I’m not doing this.” But God was really speaking through them telling me that I need to find beauty in Him and not my physical appearance. So I went to the bathroom, put my beanie over my hair and looked at myself in the mirror. I immediately began to sob. “I can’t do this. I can’t cut my hair. I will look like a boy. I’m going to be so ugly and I will never be beautiful again.” So many negative thoughts were corrupting my mind. While I was pitifully sobbing about how ugly I’d be, one of my team mates came into the bathroom while the rest followed. I shared about what God was telling me to do and how I was refusing. We went into our room and I sat in the center while they prayed over me. God filled the room and was speaking so much truth about who I am through Him and the beauty that He see’s in me. After they were done praying, my face felt like a flippin raisin because I was crying so much. We continued with our team time and we started doing feedback (which is where we call each other higher or we tell each other the amazing things we have been seeing in each other). I sat back and started writing the reasons why I would keep my hair and why I would cut it. The only reasons on why I would keep it were of this world. Things like, I like my hair because people think it’s beautiful, boys like my hair, my friends and family like it, etc. None of those reasons had to do with God.
And if I proclaim to live my life for Him, why would I not do a simple act to share with others the love and obedience I have for Him. That the beauty He see’s in me matters more than the beauty people see from my outward appearance. That I don’t live my life for the acceptance of people because to them, I will never be enough. To God, I will always be enough. During feedback a girl came in and told us that our host wanted to talk to all of us. So our whole squad went into the living room while Ralph told us stories about Hope Ethiopia. I was still silently crying because I couldn’t believe that God was asking me to do this. While he was talking, I went into the bathroom one last time and put my beanie over my hair. As tears were flowing down my cheeks I prayed out loud saying, “God, if this is what you want me to do, if you want me to cut my hair, please give me peace.” And as soon as I said that word, an overwhelming amount of peace came over me. I stopped crying and looked at myself again and said, “Okay. My life is yours God. And I need to find my beauty in you alone.” I went back to the living room and sat down on a chair. Ralph was telling stories of new beginnings and people that come to revelations here. He talked about a little girl that lives in the compound who just runs through the fields and lives with such joy and light. These children don’t have much yet they can walk with such beauty from the Father, and it’s such an incredible thing. After Ralph was done talking, I walked to the craft closet, grabbed some scissors, went to the bathroom, put on the song Heavy by the Birdtalker and cut my hair off. I can say it was one of the most freeing moments of my life and I was finally free from the chains of this world.
People worth knowing will see the beauty in my heart and not in my hair, my clothes, my long eyelashes, or any of that crap. They will see the beauty in my passions, my heart for this world, my personality, and my love for God. They will see beauty in my soul and not my appearance. I did this because “he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” My life is His and His alone and I lost my identity to find it in Him.
