During worship, we all were sitting down, some of us crying, some of us just laying down in the Lord’s presence. Trying to make sense of our lives at that moment. Trying to process our hardships. I was sitting down holding onto my legs with my head on my knees utterly confused with my feelings. I was genuinely sad, depressed, lost, and I felt forgotten. I felt disconnected from God.
This past week being in Kampong Thom we’ve had a completely different lifestyle than in the other two cities we lived in. I’ve witnessed such poverty that I have never seen or even heard of. This week has been so heavy, and I’ve never felt such internal ache from the things surrounding me as much as I have gone through here. I sat there in the room wondering why God was letting people suffer, wondering why He’s letting innocent animals suffer, and wondering why our world is the way it is. At the moment, I laid down, wondering what my purpose was for being here. Why I needed to see so many horrible things. Why nobody else felt the same way that I felt about the heartbreaking things surrounding us. When I laid down, I looked up while the worship music was playing. I saw two geckos on the ceiling. One was much higher, looking down at the other one below him, waiting for him to come to him. The other one looked towards him, and then proceeded to turn away. And for such a simple thing it applied to my life so incredibly much. The lyrics of the worship song during this moment were, “everything will be okay.” Tears began to rush down my cheeks and onto my mattress pad. It showed me that I have been turning away from God when all He wants is to comfort and love me. That life will always be complicated. That there will always be brokenness in our world. But only through Him will I feel loved and complete.
People in this world are broken and lost. Always trying to find something. Something that makes them feel satisfied, loved, and whole. Except, all of the things we go to always end up making us feel more broken. So we either continue searching, or give up. But trust me, the only thing that will ever make you feel complete is Jesus. He will always love you, He will never give up on you, He will always see the good and the beauty in you, He will always be there to talk to, and He will NEVER stop fighting for you. But the thing with Jesus is, is that He will never push His way into your life. He is a subtle and gentle God. He wants you to choose Him, because He has already chosen you. All He can do is light the way for you, but it’s up to you to follow the path.
