Wow. These seven weeks have been tough. But I’m almost there. I leave in 14 days, I have to say see ya later to my family, my best friends, my fat cat, my dorky car Marty, my art room, my comfort, and so much more. It will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but God is leading me somewhere completely foreign and unknown to me. And I know that it will be everything I’ve ever wanted and life changing in ever single way.
When I first found out I was accepted into The World Race in January, and that I had to somehow raise $15,800, I flipped out. I was so excited and I had no doubt that I could make that much money. As time past, the more the negativity came spilling in like a damn breaking and the water flowing into a joyful town. People began to tell me, “There’s no way you can do that,” “That’s impossible,” “You’re going to become a dead beat because you mooch off of people for their money,” “Hah, good luck with that,” “Jesus doesn’t have control over your bank account,” “Get a job and make your own money,” “What happens if something happens to one of your family members while you’re gone, you will be out there for nine months wasting time when you could have been here with your family,” “You’re stupid for choosing this, you should go to college like a normal kid and get a life,” and many many more. The things people were saying to me were awful, negative and cruel. Sometimes it broke me down to the point where I would cry for hours to God asking Him why He would choose me for something like this. I didn’t understand why He would let people say those things and why they couldn’t just see the bigger picture and the good that God will do through me.
Eventually I realized that all of that was to make me stronger. I worked three jobs, planned bake sales, fundraisers, my art show and so much more. Even though it made me stronger in the way that I could stand up to the negativity in my life I began to become distracted. I wasn’t really focusing on my relationship with God, I was focusing on proving all of them wrong. I was being selfish and not even recognizing the amazing things God was doing in my life and how He was providing me with so much. I’m going to be brutally honest with all of you because I don’t want to constantly cover up my sins, I want people to know that we all sin, and we shouldn’t hide it because no healing comes from hiding. To deal with the negativity, I distracted myself with all of my fundraisers, I distracted myself with alcohol and the attention from boys. I wanted so badly the temporary satisfaction of this world. I wanted to truly feel love, to feel attention, and I wanted recognition. I began to feel even more loneliness, I didn’t care about what God was doing for me or the love He was trying to offer me. I only cared about myself. But the crazy thing is, is that once I finally realized what the enemy was doing, the temptations I was giving in to, and the sins I was committing, I broke down. I prayed to God to forgive me, and I began to see that He was there all along with His arms wide open, waiting for me to go to Him. Waiting for me to see how through all of this, He still loves me.
When I realized these things, I cried and cried. Wondering why such a powerful and amazing God would choose a sinner like me to do His work. He told me, it’s because through all of the sin and brokenness, He see’s a beautiful, strong woman that will be changed through Him. That He will heal my wounds and transform me into the person I am meant to be.
God is forgiving, and He is the reason I persevere, He is my purpose, He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He is the light of my life.
