So, you know I’m traveling with a big backpack & a daypack (think of a traditional school backpack). I’ve compared and my packs (yes, both of them) are heavier than any of my other teammates- several of them refuse to even lift my big pack! For the most part, I only have to carry both packs on travel days (days we travel to a new city or country). Up until this month, I’ve only had to wear them both once a month. This month we’ve moved a lot- Brasov to Bucharest, Bucharest to Belgrade, Belgrade Hostel #1 to Hostel #2 (up a fierce hill- not gonna lie, I totally got a taxi with some of the other girls so I didn’t have to carry them both), Belgrade to Nis, and soon Nis to Sofia and then Sofia to Istanbul. I loathe travel days because I have to carry both these packs. With so much moving this month, I’ve had a lot of time to think about these huge burdens on already long days.
Here’s what I’ve concluded:
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Wherever you arrive, you can count on the fact that right when you take your packs off, your contact will arrive and you’ll have to put them on again. They will feel 20 pounds heavier and your muscles will start to tense up immediately, but you will feel like you have no other option than to put it on quickly.
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As soon as you start walking to your destination, you will recall stories your dad or grandpa told you about walking uphill both ways in the snow with no shoes on. As you are walking uphill, a steep hill, carrying twice your weight, you will totally get why they bored you to death with this story as a child- it was a very traumatic experience for them- and you will know that you will tell your children this story too.
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For 2 days, you will feel muscles that you never knew you had scream and moan. You will curse your pack for doing this to you. You will swear it won’t be this bad next time. You will go through your entire pack with your team and take out stuff you don’t need. You will even go as far as to throw away things you do need. You will be convinced that your pack is lighter and that you’ve gotten rid of this extra weight.
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Travel day will come, you will put your packs on utterly convinced this time will be different, yet the same cycle will happen. Refer back to #1.
Yep, that’s what I’ve learned. But that still hasn’t quite gotten me to the F word.
I’ve come to compare these packs to another burden I sometimes choose to carry (yes, I do admit, in writing, that traveling the world this way is a choice as is the weight of my 2 packs). This burden comes in many different forms- anger, bitterness, blame, jealousy…
But it could be summed up in one word: Unforgiveness
And, it too can be seen in a cycle:
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Wherever you are & whatever you do, you will get comfortable, and something will happen without warning (a statement, a look, a smell) and you’ll totally be taken back to a moment when somebody did something that hurt you. Feelings will overpower you and your insides will start to tense up, but you will feel like you have no other option than to relive it.
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As soon as you try to shake it off, you will recall every detail. You will try to go about your day, but you’ll start to compare the people you are with to those in the story. You’ll start to tell this story to the people you are with, most likely boring them to death, but you won’t be able to stop because you can still feel how very traumatic this experience was for you.
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For 2 days, you will feel like screaming and moaning. You will curse whatever triggered this for you. You will swear you’re just going to let it go. Next time, it won’t be this bad next time. You may even go as far as to declare yourself free of this event. You will be convinced that your life is lighter and that you’ve gotten rid of this trauma forever.
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Eventually, something will happen again, you will be utterly convinced this time will be different, yet somehow those same awful feelings will well up again. The same cycle will happen. Refer back to #1 if you forgot.
HOW CAN I STOP THIS CYCLE FROM HAPPENING TO ME? I HATE IT!
The answer is simple: THE F WORD
Therefore as God’s chosen people, holy & dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14
I don’t know about you, but I HATE carrying my backpacks on travel days and I sure don’t want to carry them every day. I also HATE feeling all the ugliness that unforgiveness brings, so I have really studied this verse and I am FINALLY convinced that it is that easy. But I also know, I have never really gotten this before because of this part: Forgive as the Lord forgave you…
I could never give out the grace of forgiveness until I got HOW MUCH grace God has given to me.
Being on this trip, I’ve been able to really see myself as God sees me, and it has really hit me how much God loves me. And if He loves me this much, He must love everyone this much. And I came on this trip, claiming that I was choosing love, not really knowing what that meant. But it means really CHOOSING TO LOVE. Everyone, every time, every where… no matter what. That’s what God’s done for me, and it would be hypocritical of me not to do the same. It’s not always easy, but it always ends well.
I may still carry my heavy packs on travel days, but I do NOT carry the burden of unforgiveness any longer. That is one thing I’ve traded in this year. That’s the happy ending when you choose to forgive– you no longer carry such a heavy burden, you have broken the cycle, it really NEVER happens again.
I hope you get this. I hope you know how much God loves you. I hope you get the F word.
